Wednesday, April 21, 2010

sixteen: it's just the way you are

Song: You've Got A Way, Shania Twain


*Julie’s POV*

My emotions were scattered everywhere at this point. I felt…something for Ryan, something I couldn’t explain. I just knew when I was with him, it’s as if it was just us. Nobody else even existed, or mattered.

As I sat in the passenger seat, I was still beaming. After our locker room incident, how could I not be this ecstatic. I turned my head to look at him, as he intently kept his eyes on the road. I don’t think he even realized I was staring.

At the same time, amidst all this happiness, and excitement, Price was still in the back of my mind. I know what you’re thinking, he has no business being there, but he was part of the reason I was feeling like this. I used to feel this with him, it’s been so long since I’ve felt it, and there was a tiny part of me that wonders if he could compete with Ryan after that. There was still a part of me that wanted to test that theory. It was probably just my hormones at work, causing those thoughts, considering what I just did with Ryan.

I didn’t know what to think anymore. I just knew I had to get over this shit with Price. I knew Ryan was the only person that was going to help me do that.

We got back to his place, and Ryan did his pre-game routine. I wasn’t going to the game tonight, I was exhausted, I was going to head to bed early tonight.

I was left to my thoughts as Ryan left that evening for the arena. I didn’t know what was left to think about. There was this one thing that caught me off guard. I got a text message, from Price.

“I miss you” was all he said.

I actually felt my heart break, just a little bit. I didn’t understand why. I know you don’t get over your first and only love overnight, but I still didn’t think that something as simple as a text message would make me feel that miserable.

--

I woke up the next morning with an arm around my waist. I woke up where I didn’t fall asleep. He must have taken me to bed last night, even Price never did that…

I shifted and stood up, only to feel weak and a bit nauseous. Before I knew it, I was hugging the toilet, puking what felt like all my guts in there. Thankfully, my heaving didn’t wake Ryan up, but the fact that I was feeling this now…was a nervewracking sign.

I brushed my teeth, washed out my mouth and changed into a pair of ripped jeans and a old vintage v-neck t-shirt of mine. I went into the kitchen and made myself some coffee, I wasn’t exactly hungry after that.

“Hey you” I heard Ryan come into the living room as I turned on ESPN.

“I see you won last night” I smiled looking at the 4-1 score.

“Sure did” he said.

“You have been playing really well lately if I do say so myself” I smirked.

He walked over to me and leaned over the arm of the couch, “You think so?”

I just nodded in agreement as he leaned in for a kiss, that left me absolutely breathless, “You’re good at that”

He just laughed, “Well thank you” he said pecking my lips again before going to grab some coffee.

“You have practice today?” I asked.

“Just an optional skate. I might not go”

“You should go” I said quickly.

He turned around and raised an eyebrow at me, “Why?”

“Well, the extra time seems to be doing some good. You should keep it going”

“If you insist” he shrugged.

I needed to get him away for a couple hours. I had to go to the drug store and find out if this sickness was what I thought it was. I mean, it’s been a few days since the first time…but I didn’t think it could happen that easily. I mean…with Carey, it never happened…

I quickly left for the drug store after Ryan left. I grabbed myself a pregnancy test and stopped at a convenience store, and used their public washroom. I didn’t want Ryan seeing the trash in the garbage, I wasn’t ready to tell him.

I leaned against the wall of the stall impatiently waiting for the result. It felt like years as I waited to see if this was really true. I stopped the moment I heard the fateful beep to indicate it was done. I paused, frozen, preparing myself for what was to come.

I slowly moved toward it, picked it up and saw the result. A little pink plus sign. It was positive. I was pregnant, with Ryan Miller’s baby. Holy shit.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

fifteen: you wanna get on the ride?

song: sour cherry by the kills

*Ryan’s POV*

Wow. Just, wow. My mind was completely blown and my heart was beating so fast I thought it might break through my chest. My body was shaky, my walk unsteady.

I had never had a better night in my life.

Julie took me by surprise when she climbed into my bed, but I was so glad she did. The feeling of our bodies together felt so right. I was gentle with her, as I should be- after all, she’d just had her heart broken. The kisses she gave me were so passionate, so full of life that I had a hard time letting go. When it was all finished, I had felt so fulfilled, so good, that it was all I could do to say it to her then and there.

I was falling in love with Julie, and falling hard.

The problem was, I was supposed to be figuring things out between Anna and me. I called and left a message on her phone, but two days had gone by and no reply. But I didn’t care. Right now Julie was all I wanted. But I still had to think things through.

The day after I took her to meet the guys, I’d missed dinner and gone to an optional practice skate the following morning. To be honest, I’d missed it on purpose. My heart was going absolutely insane every time I looked at her, touched her. Even being in the same room made my feelings go haywire. I knew I had to back off and just let it all take its course.

Julie showed up at the arena and surprised me in the locker room. I always had to be last to get out there onto the ice. It was just how I was. Just before I went to put on my left pad, I heard her voice.

“Hey Ryan.”

I grinned like an idiot, “Hey Jules!”

She smiled at me and I melted, “What’s up?”

That was when I started rambling, “I'm sorry I couldn't make it for dinner last night, that whole press conference lasted longer than I expected.”

Jules shrugged, “It's really okay, I understand.”

“And I know we'd planned it and I didn't want to mess that up, I promise I'll make it up to you. And I'm sorry about how I didn't get in later, and I should've called more than once.”

Julie nodded, “Remy called, looking for you. I talked to her for a little while. She’s been having a great time at her grandparents’ place.”

“Remy was ok with you? I mean or course she was, she loves you. Well, I do too, but, um, I...well...actually...uh...”

Her eyes grew wide and my stomach jumped into my throat, “You what?”

I tried to cover it up, “I think I’ll do great on the drills this morning, which I usually don't.”

“Ryan, don't change the subject please. Did you just say what I think you said?”

I started sweating, “Is it me or is it warm in here?”

“Ryan, you're freaking me out...”

She’d caught me. I had no choice but to tell her the truth.

“Julie...I....like you more than I originally planned.”

Her eyes widened, “And that means?”

I sighed, looking down at my half-laced skates, “It means I love you.”

She was quiet for a moment, “...oh.”

“If you don’t feel the same, I understand,” I added quickly. I didn’t want to pressure her.

“Well...Ryan...you know that I'm not quite at the stage where I can fall in love this soon,” Julie explained, sitting next to me on the bench, “But I do like you, if I didn't prove that the other night.”

At that point I felt a definite response in my pants. I swallowed, hard.

“I know, I know...and I'm sorry, I never should've said anything....”

Then it hit me.

“Oh my god.”

“Ryan, it's okay, really.”

“No it’s not, actually.”

“I just realized something,” I said slowly, “Anna and I haven't had sex in almost a year.”

I ignored her disgusted look, “Well...that's something I needed to know.”

“Actually, you do,” I told her, “Because there are no condoms at my house.”

Julie raised her eyebrows, “OH.”

I sighed, “Julie, if anything happens to you...I swear...”

“Ryan, calm down. We’ll be perfectly fine. It’s no big deal.”

I could feel myself blushing, “Umm...maybe not...”

She frowned at me, “Why?”

God, this was embarrassing, “It happened three times for me.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I...had...three times,” I said through gritted teeth, “You know, with you, the other night....”

“OH!” Julie smiled a bit, “Um, well...that’s ok, because I did, too. Well, twice, anyway.”

I couldn’t look at her; she was so beautiful, and I was so awkward. How could I make her feel something like that? Me, the mediocre lover who failed at everything? She had to be making it up.

“Anna always said I was bad in bed,” I said slowly, “If you’re lying to me, please don’t.”

“I’m not lying. You were perfect, Ryan.”

I almost gagged in disbelief, “What?”

“It's been a while since Carey and I...did anything, and I was craving it, which is why I broke into your room that night...and well, you were perfect.”

I said nothing, shaking my head as I stared at the floor.

Julie touched my hand, “Ryan, I’m not Anna. I’m far from her.”

“I know.”

“Please look at me.”

I couldn’t, not just yet. I had to ask her something.

“Did you really just sleep with me because you wanted Carey? Tell me the truth, Jules.”

She paused, “I’m going to admit, I missed him, and you were there, but I realized that you are different from him.”

“Different how?” I frowned, looking up at her.

“You treated me differently.”

I laughed a little, “Well, you treated me differently too. I'm glad you didn't hit me afterwards, heh. Not gonna miss that at all.”

I immediately regretted letting that slip as Julia’s eyes grew wide, “She hit you?”

“Really, what guy is gonna be believed that his girlfriend knocks him around?” I shrugged.

“I’m sorry, you don’t deserve that.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

We were quiet for a moment.

“Can we go home now?” Julie asked, sounding a bit anxious.

“Well...I have to practice.” I told her.

“It’s optional though, right?”

She seemed a little excited, “Do you want something?”


*Julie’s POV*

I pushed Ryan up against the Buffalo-blue wall, “This room has a lock, right?”

I grabbed his face and kissed him hard, forcing my tongue to tangle with his. Letting go, I trailed kisses down his cheek and onto his neck, starting to suck gently. Ryan started to involuntarily moan, his hands busied in my hair.

“Julie...baby....”

“Mmm?”

Ryan reached out and locked the door, “Let me help you out, here....”

He lifted me by my hips and set me on the countertop where the guys usually set their bags, pulling my underwear down to my ankles. Parting my thighs, Ryan moved his face to beneath my skirt and to my surprise, I felt his breath on the outer lips.

I’d never in a million years let Carey do this. But he wasn’t Carey.

The most incredible sensations started to travel through me as Ryan started to tease me with his tongue. It was the strangest, most wonderful thing. I reached out and ran my hands through his hair as the feelings got stronger, and as though given permission, Ryan dove deeper inside me, his tongue moving faster and harder, rubbing against my zone in the most perfect way.

“Oh Ryan...” I moaned, his hands starting to stimulate me, “Ryannnnn...”

Just as I was about to reach my peak, he stopped and blinked those bright eyes at me. I pulled him up and kissed him hard. Eager to return the favour, I shoved my hand inside his pants and gripped his shaft; a gasp escaping from him as I started to pump up and down. To my absolute excitement I felt him grow harder beneath my grip.

Ryan pulled my t-shirt off my head and unhooked my bra, smiling at my exposed chest.

“Better...” he mumbled, his hands exploring me as he kissed me with passion. My body started to tingle, feeling as though it was getting ready for something big...and it was.

“Take off your clothes,” I instructed, “Now.”

I took off my shoes and pulled off my skirt while Ryan excitedly tore off his underarmour. He took control of me, picking me up by my hips and slamming me against the wall. I grinned at him.

Ryan pressed himself inside of me gently, almost painstakingly slow. I threw back my head and moaned, loving the feeling of him. He began by thrusting small, tiny movements, almost as though he was teasing me.

I moved my hips forward the same time he moved and felt a surge of pleasure. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I begged Ryan to give me everything. I didn’t care that it was unprotected. All I wanted was him.

Somehow we ended up on the floor. Ryan was on top of me, moving with the same rhythm, both of us working up a sweat. I could feel it all building inside of me as I begged him not to stop. He grasped my hips and pushed himself faster, moaning my name into my ear.

“Julie....Julieee....” Ryan whimpered, the sweat from our bodies merging, “I’m so close...”

“Come for me Ryan,” I said quickly, flipping us over, “Please.”

I raised myself so he was almost out and then bounced back down. That was more than enough for the both of us. I fell forward as I had the most pleasurable orgasm I’d ever had, Ryan’s body writhing as he screamed beneath me. It took a good two minutes before we both recovered.

“...oh my god...” Ryan breathed as I got up, “That was...fucking amazing...”

“You,” I said, going to put on my underwear, “Are fucking amazing.”

Ryan grinned as we both started to put on our clothes, “I have never, ever done something like that.”

“Neither have I...” I said with a smile, turning to kiss him, “Mmm...don’t know why I never noticed this incredible body before.”

Ryan smiled against my lips, “You know, it was in the dark the last time. It’s still light for a few more hours.”

“Then what are we waiting for?”

Pulling on our clothes, I unlocked the door and swung it open.

There stood Pat Kaleta and Derek Roy.

I felt myself turn bright red as I finished buttoning up my shirt and adjusting my messy hair. Ryan gave them a shy grin as they looked at him knowingly. They had most definitely heard everything.

“Atta boy,” Pat snickered, hitting Ryan on the back, “Good show.”

I held out my hand, eager for Ryan to follow me, which he did.

“It’s Miller time!” Derek Roy called as we ran towards the exit.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

fourteen: i know in my heart it's not you

Song: I Caught Myself, Paramore


*Julie’s POV*

I don’t know what had come over me. I just needed to feel something again. I haven’t felt anything since I was with Carey. I just know that with Ryan, every kiss, touch just might make me feel something I never thought I could ever feel. Something I have never felt before.

“Julie, are --” I placed my finger over his lips to stop him.

“No talking” I whispered, “I need you…now”

I knew he was caught off guard, that was the whole point, but he caved, and kissed me. And this time, I fell under his spell and let him take control. He touched me in ways Carey never even dreamed of, it absolutely made me melt.

We didn’t just have sex, we made love. I can say that Carey and I, never, ever did that. I did miss it with him, but after a night like that with Ryan, I didn’t miss it anymore, not as much as I did anyways.

I fell back beside him and smiled to myself and then I turned to look at him, he had a look of shock on his face.

“You ok?” I whispered.

“Perfect” he simply said.

I looked at the clock, it was almost 3am, “Can we do it again?” I asked, still trying to catch my breath.

He didn’t hesitate, he just climbed on top of me and kissed me. The rest of the night was absolute bliss, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

--

I woke up that morning, next to Ryan, and I was never happier. I practically bounced out of bed and grabbed one of Ryan’s dress shirts and threw it on. I hopped into the kitchen and made some breakfast. I was one of the happiest girls in the world right now. Even the gash on my neck, thanks to Anna, that was really sore today, couldn’t bring me down.

I was just setting food on a plate when I felt two arms around me. I immediately stopped what I was doing when I felt his breath on my neck.

“Hey” I said.

“Smells good” he said kissing my neck and pulling back.

“Nothing special” I said handing him a plate.

I finally made eye contact with him since being with him last night. I felt those butterflies, it seems cheesy, but it’s true. I just smiled and bit my lip.

“I have a proposition for you” he said putting some food in his mouth.

“What’s that?”

“I want you to meet the guys” he said.

I didn’t respond right away. Meeting his team was almost as big as meeting his parents. I mean, he’s with these guys 24/7. They aren’t just his “buddies” they are practically his second family.

“Already?” I simply asked.

“It’s just the team Jules” he half smiled.

“It’s not just “the team” Ryan” I replied using finger quotes, “I mean, they’re approval means a lot”

He just sighed and rubbed my arms gently, “I promise, it’s no reason to worry, they’ll love you. You’re nothing like Anna”

I just half smiled and sighed, “Ok then. When?”

“Tonight” he said.

“Tonight!?”

“Jules, relax” he laughed.

“This is no laughing matter Ryan” I said, “I mean…”

“What?”

“We never talked about…last night”

He just cleared his throat and his face fell, “What about? Was it bad?”

“Not at all!” I reassured him, “I just wasn’t sure what you thought”

“I was shocked” he said, “Because you have no idea how long I’ve wanted that…”

I was a bit surprised at his words, “Really?”

He just nodded.

“Oh…”

“What’s this mean?”

“I don’t know Ryan…what do you want it to mean?” I was still unsure about the whole thing. I know we just slept together, but Carey, I can’t say I am completely over the guy…

“If you want to take this slow Julie, I have no problem doing that. I know getting over him is not exactly an overnight thing”

“Thank you” I sighed, “But I am excited to meet the guys” I just smiled and he smiled back. I was really excited but nervous at the same time. I know it’s not like a huge deal, but I was the same way when I met the Canadiens, but then again…I also worked for them.

“So, are we just going out?”

“Yes” he said, “just out for drinks, and whatever else”

“Okay, I’m good with that” I replied. I think he could tell I was still nervous. He just kissed my forehead and wrapped his arms around me.

“It will be fine Jules, I promise. These are some of the most laid back guys you will meet”

I just sighed, “Okay”

--

Ryan didn’t have a game tonight, which was fine, but I was still freaking out over this whole meeting the guys thing. I just hope everything goes okay.

I changed into a pair of fitted jeans, a floral blouse and a light leather jacket. I just slipped on black flats and left my hair in waves. I kept my makeup light, just some foundation, blush and mascara.

“You’ll be fine” he said brushing some hair out of my face, my very nervous face.

“I know, but I’m really paranoid”

“I didn’t notice” he replied sarcastically.

I just playfully slapped him on the arm and scoffed, “is that sarcasm I hear?” I laughed.

“Maybe a little” he smirked, “we should go though”

We just walked to the small club that was just a few blocks away. Ryan kept his hands in his pockets the whole way. He looked more nervous than I did, but he knew how to hide it well.

The moment we stepped in the music bounced off the walls and the place was fairly crowded. He led me to the bar where we saw a group of guys, which I guessed was the team. I just watched as Ryan greeted them.

“So guys, this is Julie”

“Hello Julie” one said with a smirk and wink. I think it was Derek Roy. He put out his hand and I just gently shook it.

“Julie, you met Derek” Ryan said, “This is Tyler, Drew and Pat”

They all just nodded in my direction as Ryan introduced them. This was going well so far. They did seem like really cool guys.

“Ryan talks a lot about you” Tyler said.

I just felt my face get red as I looked down. I had to look all the way up to respond to him, damn he was tall.

“Oh…really? Good things I hope” I replied as he sat down.

“Of course” he smiled, “Just between you and me, I noticed he’s been in a much better mood and had a better attitude since you came along”

I just smiled, “Well I suppose that’s a good thing”

“You’re good for him” he said putting a hand on my shoulder, “and I can tell you, he’s a great guy”

“Oh…I know” I smiled looking in his direction.

He just smirked, “Well Julie, I’m going to get myself a drink, you want anything?”

“I’m fine” I said, “Thanks though”

He stood up, leaving me sitting alone in a booth as I watched Ryan talk with some of the team. He didn’t realize I was watching him, but I liked watching him, if that doesn’t sound creepy.

I suddenly turned my head when I caught a familiar face in the corner of my eye. It couldn’t be…Carey?

“Shit…”

I quickly stood up and grabbed Ryan’s arm, “He’s here”

“Who?”

“Carey”

“Did he say anything?”

“No” I replied, “He may have seen me though…”

I turned my head and made immediate eye contact with him and my heart skipped a beat. I turned my attention back to Ryan, “Anna’s here too…with him…”

“Kiss me” he said.

“What?”

“He needs to know what he gave up” he said.

I just smirked and did as he said, kissing him with everything in me. The moment our lips touched, I forgot Carey was even there, until I felt an arm grab me and pull me away from Ryan. He swiftly turned me around and stared at me.

“What?” I snapped.

“Ryan, are you kidding me!?” I heard Anna say as she dragged him away, “You’re being immature”

“Carey, don’t start with me”

“Why did you leave?”

“Because I can’t be near you anymore” I replied, “It was hard enough living in that apartment without you”

“I’m sorry”

“I’ve heard that enough” I huffed, “Stop apologizing, because I don’t believe for one second”

“Why?”

“You’re here with her now!” I replied, “How can I believe you when you’re still with her? You obviously don’t care about me anymore”

“She dragged me down here to talk, that’s it Julie. I don’t want her…I want you”

I crossed my arms over my chest and I felt my eyes start to water. I just turned my head away, avoiding his gaze. He just placed his hand under my chin and turned my head back towards him, “if this is making you upset, why can’t we just try this again?”

“Because…I can never trust you again. Love is just not enough anymore Carey…”

“So you do…”

“Don’t do that. You know I still do, Ryan knows I still do, I know I still do, but I will not cave in. I won’t let you hurt me again”

“I won’t hurt you again. I can’t hurt you again”

“How do you know she just won’t grab you one night, do what she did all over again, in my apartment, and then break my heart again?”

“I don’t love her”

“Carey….please…” I begged.

“I’m sorry…”

I just sighed and tried to walk away when he grabbed my arm, pulled me back and kissed me.

*Ryan’s POV*

“Since when?” she asked.

“It’s none of your fucking business” I snapped.

“It is my business who ends up around my daughter”

“Don’t do that! Don’t suddenly make this about her when you know it’s all about you. It always has been and always will be”

“I know you don’t want her”

“I do” I said.

She just looked at me with those eyes that I fell in love with years ago. She moved in closer and traced her finger down my chest, kissing my neck. I pushed her off of me and walked away from her.

I went back to where Julie was and saw her lip locked to Carey. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say or do at this point. After last night, I refuse to believe she still wanted him.

I saw her pull back and see me. She pushed away from Carey and came over to me.

“Ryan…”

“What was that?”

“He kissed me…”

“Was it really that hard to push him away?”

“I’m sorry…”

I just sighed, “It’s ok, it just caught me off guard”

Carey came behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. She just turned to look at him.

“Please Julie…”

“Carey, stop doing this to me. I said no, and I meant it, there is no more us, you’ll find someone that can make you really happy, it’s not me…”

She just grabbed my hand, and pulle me towards the door, when we ran into Anna. I just stopped in my tracks as she pulled our hands apart.

“How‘s the neck?” she asked.

“How’s the ribs?” Julie replied, “Oh and the eye, oh and the other eye?”

She ignored her comment, “I want him back”

“So I don’t have a say in this?” I said.

She just hesitated when Julie put in her two cents, “He doesn’t want you anymore Anna, get over it, but you can gladly have Carey, because he’s probably going to be lonely tonight” she said the last part with a bit of attitude that even surprised me.

“This doesn’t involve you Julie”

“Just quit while you’re ahead Anna, find someone else, there’s plenty of other Sabres around here you know”

She just huffed, “Fine”

She just walked past her with me pretty close behind. The moment we stepped outside, I just grabbed her, pushed her against the wall and kissed her. She just smiled against my lips as I pulled back.

“You liked that?” she smirked.

“You’re pretty hot when you’re mad” I laughed.

“Well thanks” she smiled.

“Home?”

“Please”

Sunday, April 4, 2010

thirteen: here’s the day you hoped would never come.

song: speeding cars by imogen heap.

*Ryan’s POV*

I woke up bright and early the day after I’d called Julie at 3am. I sighed and looked at the clock, figuring I could shower and then go to the gym. Remy was still at her grandparents house, so I had nothing better to do.

Standing there, letting the water hit me, I closed my eyes and thought of Julie. I hoped she was ok in Montreal. I hoped Carey hadn’t hurt her anymore. The last thing I wanted was to have to run to her rescue- which, regardless, I would do without a second thought.

The phone was ringing as I pulled on my Sabres shirt, “Hello?”

“Ryan!” it was my mother, “I’ve been trying to reach you for almost two hours, dear!”

“Oh,” I glanced at the clock, seeing it was 11 am, “Sorry, mum, we had an early practice. How is Remy doing?”

“She’s wonderful, as always,” Mom said with a laugh, “She’s been saying something strange, though...”

I swallowed, “Really?”

“Something about ‘Mommy going on a long vacation’...”

I sighed, “I didn’t want to tell you...”

“Is this a conversation I want to have over the phone? Or is it something I should have your father here for?”

“Mum, I really need your support right now,” I said slowly, “We’re close to playoffs...the first time in years.”

“I know, sweetie, but you’re worrying me, and so is Remy,” Mom told me, “Please, Ryan. You know I love you.”

Glad to know someone still did, “Ok...it’s a bit of a long story...”

So I told her. Everything. How Anna had cheated from the start and I swiftly hid it from Remy. How she went after Price and broke Julie’s heart. And how I had safely hid it from everyone for the sake of a marriage that would be built on lies. Mostly for the sake of Remy.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything,” I said quickly, “I just felt so guilty, like maybe I deserved it...”

“Ryan, don’t you even start,” Mom said sternly, “You did this all the time in your junior years, and I still hark upon you for it now- don’t blame yourself for this. What Anna has done has nothing to do with you. Unless, of course, you’ve done something of less caliber?”

“I’ve remained loyal. I can’t cheat. I just can’t.”

“Are you two still speaking?”

“Hardly,” I said, “Honestly, I want this second baby as bad as I wanted the first. Remy’s my life now, Mom. Really.”

“Ok,” she said after a long sigh, “What’s important right now is that your daughter is stable. We don’t want to be throwing her around from house-to-house. Poor thing is already so confused.”

“I know,” I said, rubbing my brow, “She’s my number one concern...”

I talked with my mother for about fifteen more minutes and we figured out that since spring break was coming up, Remy could spend it with them in Michigan. That would give me a full week to work things out with Anna...and possibly Julie. I wasn’t going to mention that I had a slight crush, if you could call it that, on the other party involved.

How could I not, really? Jules was sweet and concerned, not self-centered and cold like Anna. My mind kept going back to the warm feeling of her hands as she lulled me to sleep that night I fell sick. She’d healed me in more ways than one.

I decided I wanted to head to the gym for a couple of hours. Working out often cleared my head. A few ab crunches were always a great way to start, and perhaps afterwards I could go for a swim. I’d taken up swimming during my ankle injury in 2009 to keep my heart rate up, and I loved it. So after two hours, I returned home.

To my surprise, Julie was sitting on the front porch with a duffel bag. She perked up the second I pulled in. Parking, I practically jumped out of my car and ran over to see her.

I felt her put her arms around my neck. It felt good to feel her again. I hugged her tightly.

“What’re you doing here?” I asked, bringing her in the house. She tossed her bag.

“Ryan, I’m really sorry, but...a few things happened and I have nowhere else to go, and I wanted to call but I wasn’t sure if you’d be up around 2 am and I couldn’t because I was afraid you’d-”

“Julie,” I put a finger on her lips, “It’s cool. You’re welcome here anytime.”

She blushed, “Oh, ok...”

I felt her put a hand on my arm, “Ryan...I need to talk to you.”

My eyes widened, “About?”

Jules sighed, “It’s a bit of a long story actually.”

I gestured to the living room. We sat facing each other on the sofa. Julie looked sad and distant, so I reached for her hand. She squeezed it gently, and told me everything- the club, Carey, Josh Gorges...and Anna no longer being pregnant.

“Ryan, I’m really sorry about all this,” she said quietly, “I really wish I could fix things...”

“It’s ok,” I said, “Thank you for telling me.”

Julie reached out and stroked the side of my face where Anna had hit me, “I know how much you wanted another baby.”

I couldn’t look at her, “I don’t want it with her anymore...I want to consider it a good thing...”

Julie’s face came close to mine, our foreheads touching. I closed my eyes and took a breath. My body started to tremble.

“Ry...” she whispered, our lips touching, “You don’t deserve to hurt like this.”

I said nothing as she kissed me gently. The kiss started to get more passionate. Jules grabbed me by the wrists and pinned me down to the sofa, kissing me harder. I felt like my entire body was on fire.

We must’ve made out like teenagers for a good ten minutes or so. As we slowly broke away, Julie looked down at me and smiled. I smiled back, letting her lie down on top of me, holding her close.

“Ryan...” she said breathily.

“Mmm?”

“Don’t let go of me.”

I held her tightly, “I won’t.”

Suddenly, I felt Julie’s hands undoing my belt buckle. I reached down and grabbed her, alarmed. She looked at me with a scared face.

“No,” I told her, “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

Jules looked a bit disappointed, “Oh...sorry. I shouldn’t...”

“It’s ok,” I assured her, trying to change the subject, “You want me to make us something for dinner?”

She broke into a smile, “If I can help!”

Together we had a blast in the kitchen. Julie was really good at cooking, better than I was. I offered an old bottle of wine that Anna and I had received from Derek Roy on our three-year-anniversary, something that wasn’t worth celebrating. After dinner we washed dishes together and cleaned up the kitchen. I’d never done this with Anna, or had such a good time while doing so.

It still wasn’t quite time for bed, so Julie pulled her favourite movie, You’ve Got Mail, out of her bag and popped it in. I’d seen it a million times, so had she; but it never got old. We passed the time watching that.

I readied the guest bedroom for her. Julie came walking out of the bathroom wearing the cutest pair of shorts and top- her pajamas. I felt a bit awkward wishing her goodnight, but Julie gave me one of her best smiles and I melted.

“You’re so sweet,” she said, hugging me, “Thank you, Ryan.”

I mumbled something along the lines of ‘you’re welcome,’ as I went into my own room, crawled into bed and fell asleep.

A couple hours later I woke up after hearing a noise. I saw out of the corner of my eye that my door was ajar. Before I could react, I opened my eyes fully.

Julie was on top of me. Naked.

And she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

“Make love to me, Ryan,” she whispered, pulling me into a soft kiss.

“Julie...” I ran my hands up and down her soft arms, making her shiver.

“Please.”

I fell under her spell as she started to kiss me.

Friday, April 2, 2010

twelve: i know you love me so, but it's time to let me go

Song: Time to Let Me Go, Gloriana


I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my phone. Nobody ever calls me, especially not at 230am. I adjusted my eyes to the dark and fished around my bed for my phone. Ryan. Why was Ryan calling me so late?

“Hello?” I groaned.

“Julie?”

“Hey Ryan”

“I’m really sorry I’m calling so late” he said. He didn’t sound like himself.

“It’s fine” I yawned, “What’s up?”

“I’m--I’m probably being stupid when I’m calling this drunk but--”

“Wait you’re drunk? Why are you drunk? Where is Remy?” I asked frantically.

“She’s with her grandparents” he said. I just breathed a sigh of relief, “I went out with the guys”

“Don’t you think you should just get some sleep Ryan?” I told him.

“I can’t” he said, “I need to tell you something, I didn’t want to before, because…I din’t want you to think I was weak”

“Ryan, why don’t you just call me in the morning, when you’re sober?”

“Anna didn’t cheat on me with just Carey” he replied ignoring my request completely, “This has happened before”

“Ryan, I wouldn’t put it past her, it’s okay”

“The first time was with one of my teammates. During the first year we were together, when she was pregnant with Remy, I caught her with Danny Briere, who was a Sabre at the time…”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I replied, “That’s just not right”

“She apologized” he simply said, “I wanted to be a good parent, so…oh and when Remy was almost 2, I caught her again”

“With who?” I was starting to get furious now.

“Vinny Lecavalier, when she came on the road with me…”

“Dude. She’s a whore. He’s got a girlfriend!” I replied.

“It was a one time thing” he sighed.

“I’m sorry Ryan” I said sweetly, “You don’t deserve that”

“Oh and the third time, was a few months ago, with one of our junior guys” he said, “I just felt like when she got with Carey that it wasn’t unusual, I was so mad that it had to be your boyfriend, of all people”

“Well I guess it’s unlucky on my part” I replied with a shrug, “but it proved to me that he obviously is not the one. Even if we were together for 4 years”

“I want to castrate him for what he made you want to do” he replied with anger in his voice.

“What are you talking about?” I knew what he was talking about, I just refused to go back there.

“Jules if you’d drowned…I would have died too…”

“That’s a tad dramatic Ryan, I mean, I’m really sorry I put you through that…”

“I’m sorry I just…” he hesitated, “Something happened tonight Julie”

“What?” I asked nervously.

“I saw Anna with another guy…that wasn’t Price…” he said it slowly. As if to make sure I heard him correctly. I’m surprised he was this articulate when he was drunk.

“But…I thought she was here…in Montreal” I replied, “Are you sure you weren’t seeing things?”

“No, because she said something to me” he sighed, “this was before I was drunk, fucking Stafford, making me do Jagerbombs…Ugh…anyways…”

“What did she say Ryan?” I was beginning to get impatient.

“Does the name Gorges mean anything to you? I swear I’ve heard it before. She said she found someone even better than Price, and she called him Gorges. Which meant gorgeous in French or something…?”

I just laughed as his lack of knowledge before I replied, “He’s Price’s teammate. Shit…she’s fucking his teammate. I can’t let her get to that team. She’ll run through all of them if she can…”

“Jules, I donno what to do”

“I’ll fly down there and strangle her myself if I have to”

“Murder is not an option Julie!” he replied.

“Yes, I know, but in her case…anything is legal”

“I’m sorry” he sighed, “But I just had to call you, I know the sober me wouldn’t be able to do it”

“It’s fine” I replied with a yawn, “I have to talk to him though. I may not want to care about him, but I still do. I won’t let her hurt him”

“Yah, she seems to be good at that…”

“I need some sleep Ryan, it’s almost 3am. I have some people I need to talk to tomorrow…or rather, later today”

“Ok, I guess I’ll go then. Don’t worry I’m home…I just hate how she did that after I told her…”

“Well she makes her own choices” I replied, “not a whole lot we can do. I’ll talk to you later Ryan. Go to bed please”

“I’m a scratch--” and it sounded like he passed out. I just sighed and hung up my phone. It wasn’t long before I was out cold myself.

--

I woke up fairly early. I was absolutely exhausted but I knew I was never going to get back to sleep now. I had a long day ahead of me. I needed to talk to Price, he had to know about Anna.

I grabbed my phone and hoped to catch Price before he headed to practice. I heard the rings one, two, three, “Hello?”

“Price…”

“Julie?”

“Yes, we have to talk, it’s important”

“Of course” he said, “I’ll be there in five minutes”

“Don’t you have practice?”

“It’s an optional skate, and it’s not for another hour, we don’t play tonight, I’ll be right there”

Before I could argue with him he hung up and I just sighed. I had to admit I was a tad nervous that I was about to face him. I didn’t need a repeat of last time, I couldn’t let myself fall into his little trap again. It’s just those damn eyes…

“Julie!?” I heard frantic knocking and I slowly walked to the door and opened it.

“So what’s up?” he asked. What, so are we best friends now?

“It’s about Anna…”

“She went back to Buffalo”

“I know” I replied, “Um, this is really hard for me to say”

“What?”

“She’s been with other guys while she was with Ryan. Briere, Lecavelier, even one of the junior players a few months ago. She’s fucking Gorges now…”

His face lost all color at this point. The look in his eyes almost scared me. I did all I could think of, I just put my hand on his cheek, “Carey…”. He finally looked down at me and sighed.

“I’m sorry” he said.

“I know” I replied, “I just thought I should tell you, you need to forget about her, she’s not worth it, she’ll hurt you”

“Since when do you care about if I get hurt or not”

“I’m pissed off at what you did, I’m not a cold hearted bitch Carey”

“You still care…”

“Price, we were together for 4 years. Feelings like that don’t go away overnight ok?” I sighed turning away from him and going towards the kitchen, “you should get going”

I felt his hands grab the hem of my shirt and pull me back, they slid around my waist and his lips gently brushed against the back of my neck, making me shiver.

“You remember when I used to make love to you?” he whispered into my ear as his hands wandered under my shirt onto my stomach. His hands were still cold, making me shiver again. He knew I gave in way to easily.

“I do” I said.

“I can do that right now” he whispered again gently brushing his lips against my ear. I have to tell you, I almost lost my composure right then and there. Ryan’s face came to my mind immediately and I grabbed his hands and pulled them off of me.

“You’re not doing that to me again. You’re taking advantage of my vulnerability Carey”

“I’m sorry…”

“You need to go, and if you see Gorges, tell him what I told you. Just…tell him she’s not who she says she is. Tell him to steer clear of her, as you should”

“Alright…”

He didn’t budge. He just stood there, staring at me, “Price. Get out, please!” I was ready to cry at this point.

He didn’t reply, he just left the apartment and I felt a few stray tears fall. This was beginning to get way too hard to handle, I was ready to just give in to him and take him back, but I knew that was a weak move. I couldn’t do that to myself.

I decided to go out that night. I needed some time to myself, I didn’t care that I had no one to go with, the drinks and the loud music could distract me from all of this.

I changed into a pair of dark jeans a black and white empire waist top and I slipped on my black chucks. I grabbed my clutch and left the apartment, making my way to a small club just around the corner.

I sat at the bar and got myself a beer. He set the bottle and a glass in front of me and I just took the bottle and turned to face the dance floor. This was what I needed. A few harmless flirts and some drinks.

I was talking to a random guy, cute, when I heard a familiar voice. This couldn’t be happening to me, not tonight. I turned around and saw her face. Seriously, was she to be everywhere that Ryan and I ended up going.

She was ordering something at the bar when she turned to see my face. A sly smirk appeared and she made her way over.

“I thought you were pregnant” I snapped.

“Miscarriage”

“I’m sorry” I said sarcastically.

“I’m sure you are” she said moving closer to my face. I stood up and pushed her away from me, “You get out of my face you whore”

“I’m the whore?”

“Briere, Vinny and some poor junior kid, oh and then Price and Gorges, honestly. I’m glad I told them to steer clear of you”

“That’s why Josh won’t return my calls?” she asked with a glare.

“I guess so” I said smiling proudly.

She lifted her hand and slapped me across the face. It really didn’t bother me, I’ve felt worse before. A crowd started to gather when I shoved her to try to walk away, but she wouldn’t let me.

“I’m not done with you” she said.

“You’re not done with me?” I asked half laughing, “How are you not tired travelling back and forth from Montreal to Buffalo fucking any guy that takes an interest in you?”

She just shook her head and looked the other way.

“You said you miscarried right?” I asked her.

Before she could answer I took my right hand and punched her in the stomach. I heard some cheers from the people surrounding us.

“Remy deserves a mother that is there for her, and not one that’s not out fucking everything in sight” I said trying to get away from her again.

She grabbed my arm and swung me around bitch slapping me again, “Is that all you know how to do Anna? Seriously?”

“You do not talk about my daughter like that”

“Now you act like you care” I huffed. At that comment she jumped me, now it was a full on cat fight. Hair pulling, I even got a couple punches in there, she scratched my neck, but that’s about all she got.

I felt two strong arms grab me and pull me away from her. I was out of breath and I pulled away from whoever was holding on to me. I looked behind me, it was Price.

“Of course” I huffed.

“You ok?”

“I’m perfectly fine” I said, “I’ve been in worse fights then this in Junior High” I said it loud enough for her to hear and she tried to jump me again, but some guy grabbed her arm and pulled her away from me.

“You sure you’re ok?” he asked me again.

“Price, I told you, I’m absolutely fine, ok? Stop pretending like you care about me. Get on with your life, please. We’re done, there is nothing else for us. I’m sorry, but I need to go, okay? Bye”

This all needs to end. I didn’t know how I was supposed to get away from all of this. She was everywhere I went, and so was he. Maybe it was time to leave Montreal, for good.

eleven: maybe I'll need you, maybe I won't.

song: pieces by alison iraheta

*Julie's POV*

It was hard to leave Ryan, still stick, back in Buffalo, but I had to get this done and over with. Carey wanted to talk, I said yes, and I was going to have to deal with it. The anger and hurt still burned me, but cold nostalgia was chilling me to the bone. The entire drive I alternated between the awful site of catching him with Anna and the bittersweet memories of us together.

Finally arriving at my apartment building, I winced upon seeing Anna's car parked outside. So she was here, too. Great.

I walked into my apartment and saw him standing there, wearing that Canadiens hoody I used to wear around the house when he was away. It was like he knew. The look in his eyes caught me surprise; he looked almost, well, sorry. It was time to put up my guard. No tears in front of him.

"Hey..." he said slowly.

I crossed my arms, "Hi."

"I'll make this quick, I promise," Carey said, "Julie, I'm sorry."

I said nothing.

"For everything. I wasn't thinking. I didn't realize what I was doing. I guess I that I just got caught up in the moment."

Seriously? THIS was what he wanted to say to me?

"You think that excuses you? It was like I didn't even exist Carey, you almost broke me completely." I told him sternly.

He sighed, "I know, and I wish I could take it back. Listen, Julie, when I came here to pack things up, I realized that I'm not over you...I can't go on without you..." He swallowed. "My save % has dropped completely."

I rolled my eyes, "Ha, you're here because of you're game. It's always about how you play." I was tired of being his muse.

Before I could reply, my bedroom door opened and out walked the last person I wanted to see.

"You almost done, Car- oh. Hi Julie."

I gave Carey the nastiest glare I could muster. He gave Anna a nod, "She's helping me pack."

I turned to her, "Get out. I don't want you in my apartment." I snarled. "I had to burn my sheets because of her!"

Anna gave me a fake smile, "Because I made him do what you never could, that's why. But fine. I'll be in the hall, Pricey."

Now a ridiculous nickname? I sighed, "Pricey? Seriously..."

"It's a fun name to scream." Anna called on her way out. God she was disgusting.

Carey started to explain that Anna was there to help him, but I cut him off, "I think it's time for you to leave."

His eyes begged me, "Jules, please..."

I put my hands on my hips, "Carey. I can't just forget what you did. I can't pretend nothing happened. I can't just take you back and pretend everything is ok, when it's not." I snuck at glance at Anna. "When it CLEARLY is not."

Carey walked towards me so that we were barely inches apart, "Before I leave..."

He took my face and kissed me. My eyes shut instantly and I felt myself being hypnotized like I used to be, back when we were still in love. But after a few seconds, my head immediately thought of Ryan. I thought of how hurt he was after what Anna had done to him, and the sweetness he gave to me. But most of all I thought of the tenderness of his kiss and how gentle he was with me, as though he wanted me to know I was something special.

I broke away and shook my head, "Fuck."

Carey looked at me, "You still feel it..."

I looked at him, then Anna, then back at him again, "Maybe. But not after what you've done to me."

"Carey, we're going to be late!" Anna perked up.

"You better go," I pointed to the door, "Wouldn't want to keep your precious girlfriend waiting."

"She's not my girlfriend..." Carey muttered.

"Oh fuck buddy? Is that what they call it?" I smirked.

"Come to think of it, Julie, maybe you should hook up with Ryan, considering you're both so horrible in life and in bed, you'd be perfect for each other," Anna said with a laugh, "God, what WAS I thinking? Let's go, Carey."

I didn't watch them as they walked away. All I had to do was shut the door and turn. I stood there for a moment, evaluating what had just happened, thinking about the things Carey had said. It was all about him, it always was. Of course, when he kissed me, I felt that electric spark come back- the same spark I had to force myself to block out. I felt sad, thinking of how things used to be. I felt weak and hopeless. I had to call someone.

Ryan picked up immediately, as though he'd been waiting, "Hey!"

I sunk down the the floor, "Hi..."

Ryan sensed I was upset, "Jules, is everything ok?"

I had just told Ryan that I was going to speak with Carey one last time. He didn't know what about, and he certainly didn't know (nor did I) that Anna would be with him. I felt myself falling to pieces.

"He kissed me."

Things grew quiet on the other line for a moment.

"Oh...and...?"

My cheeks burned, "Ryan...the feelings...they won't go away..."

"Well I wouldn't expect them to. You've been with the guy for how long?" his voice was calm and understanding, "I just wish I could do something about Anna...she's ruining everything for you two."

I still couldn't believe how much he cared about me and not about Anna.

"Anna I can handle," I said simply, "It's just...you don't get it. I want them to go away. I can't love someone like that."

"Carey's the one you're having problems with."

"Yes. Everything came back when he kissed me. He told me he's not over me, what do I do with that? I don't want him." I glanced at my now empty bedroom. "Not anymore."

Ryan said something that took me by surprise, "Well he hurt you. Like, ripped you open hurt you. I swear I could kill him for what he did...not because it was with Anna but because of how he broke your heart."

I sat there in awe, "Wow...thanks..."

Perhaps I was imagining things, but Ryan started to sound a bit nervous, "I care about you, Julie. I really do. If you ever need anything, I'm right here."

I smiled, "Thank you Ryan. That means alot."

"I guess I owe you for the past few days...I don't know how to say thank you for taking care of me when I was sick. I was a real mess."

I shrugged, "Don't worry about it. I used to do it for Carey all the time." My voice cracked and Ryan sensed it.

"It's ok to hurt. It's normal."

I swallowed my tears for the hundredth time, "Yeah, I know..."

"And crying doesn't make you weak."

"I know, I just hate crying cause it ruins my make-up." I said with a half-laugh.

Ryan's voice shook a bit, "Well  if you ask me, you don't need make up. You're already gorgeous."

We were both quiet for a moment. I could feel myself blushing. Or was I just trying not to cry again?

"Gorgeous is a heavy word. But thank you."

"Well, you are. Always have been." The nervousness in his voice was undeniable.

I hugged my knees with my free arm, "If I didn't know any better I'd think you were...."

"Oh, hold on a sec!" Ryan said suddenly, putting down the phone. Distantly, I heard him beginning to talk to his daughter.

"Yes, I know sweetie...but we have her cell phone number, and she'll call every night just before bedtime. I know, honey...I know."

He picked up the phone again, "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Nevermind...it's not important, you should go, Remy needs you."

"Oh, ok," Ryan replied, "All or text if you need anything. I'm here for you, Julie."

"Thanks Ryan." I said with a genuine smile. He really was sweet.

"By the way, I can see why Carey would want to kiss you. You're an amazing kisser. Bye."

Before I could say anything he'd hung up. I sat there, leaning against the door, listening to the dial tone. Finally I clicked it off and sighed. That was not what I was expecting. Ryan Miller was not what I was expecting him to be at all.

At this point I was so tired that all I wanted to do was sleep. Throwing a blanket on the couch, I collapsed, with my phone in hand. I had to have it in case he called.

And I wasn't talking about Carey.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

ten: i was a fool to hurt you

Song: Dying to Live Again, Hedley


*Carey’s POV*

I wasn’t making the saves, I was letting in softies, nothing was going right for me right now.

“You alright?” Cammalleri asked me as we headed to the dressing room after practice, “You’re not playing like you”

“I’m fine” I said.

“Well ever since you broke it off with Julie, you just seem…different”

I just sighed, the mention of her name even got to me. I was suddenly starting to feel guilty about what I did. I didn’t care what I did to Ryan, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I really did hurt her and how selfish I was being.

“I agree with Cammy” I heard Gorges say, “Something’s different”

I heard Martin come in behind us and tap me on the shoulder, “We’re going with Jaro against the Devils” he said.

“Alright” I replied. I completely understood, I knew I wouldn’t play a good game against a team like that. Jaro would do a better job.

I changed back into my street clothes and headed back towards the apartment. Julie had went to Buffalo with Ryan, she didn’t want to be here when I was cleaning my stuff out. I was moving into a place with Gorges, until I was able to find a place of my own. He was nice enough to offer the guest bedroom.

I walked into the apartment and I have to admit, my heart broke. She was all over the apartment. Pictures, her scent was still lingering, even the memories all came back.

“I really do hate you” she said crossing her arms. She was really mad. So was I.

“Don’t start bitching again” I sighed.

“I’m not bitching! You’re just being a dick” she huffed.

“I’m always being a dick aren’t I?”

“Yes”

“What did I do? All I did was forget our two years”

“How do you forget we’ve been together for two years Carey?!”

“I play hockey, I’m on the road, I lose track of what day it is!” I replied, “How can you blame me?” She was overreacting.

I moved closer to her and all she did was turn her head to avoid looking at me. I put my hands on her shoulders and just rubbed her arms. She just sighed and looked at me.

“I’m sorry” I said.

“You know it’s hard to stay mad at you” she said, “I hate that”

I just chuckled, “Well since we still have some of this night left, what do you say we make use of it?” I just heard her giggle a little before I placed my lips onto hers. It was as if nothing else in the world mattered but her.


The vibration of my phone interrupted my thoughts. I pulled it from my back pocket. It was Anna.

“I can’t wait to see you again ; )”

I just sighed and ignored the message. This wasn’t what I needed right now. I missed Julie and I was finally starting to realize that life without her, sucked. I don’t know what caused me to do this. I think it had more to do with my jealousy of Ryan than it did with Julie. I really screwed up this time. I didn’t know if I could even fix it.

I grabbed my phone and decided to call her. Maybe she’d answer, maybe she won’t, it didn’t hurt to try.

I heard three rings before someone answered.

“What do you want?” she asked.

“Jules, we need to talk”

“Don’t call me Jules, and I think we talked enough already”

“Please Julie. Just you and me, no Anna, no Ryan”

She just sighed, “When I get back to Montreal I’ll give you five minutes, that’s it. But I’m not promising anything”

“I’ll take it, Bye”

She didn’t say bye, she just hung up. I just let out a long sigh and set my phone on the bed. I didn’t think this was going to bother me this much, but it really did. I do still love her. I need to clean up this mess. I need a second chance.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

nine: tell me doctor, how to shake a waking nightmare that's worse when I'm awake?

song: kill the messenger by jack's mannequin.

*Ryan's POV*

Anna stayed true to her word and moved out right away. It was the hardest thing in the world to tell Remy that Mommy and Daddy needed 'some time apart'. Her favourite question was always, 'Why?' and I had a hard time keeping up with her. I made sure Anna called her every day, and she seemed to start to understand. It was the most gruelling two months of my life.

It was all really taking a toll on me. I had to take Remy to school each day, run to practice, perhaps do an autograph session or two, go to charity events, run the Steadfast Foundation, and of course, do my job as a goaltender at Sabres games. On top of all that I still had to grocery shop, make sure she was washed and fed, and endless things. I was not giving up on being a father, that was for sure- and people were noticing, even as I walked into the Buffalo locker room.

"Hey SuperDaddy," Pat Kaleta said with a nod.

"Hi Kallie, can you take Remy for a minute?" I handed my daughter to Tim Connelly, who didn't object, "Look, I need to ask a favour." I suddenly started coughing. My throat had been killing me for two days, but I hadn't done anything about it; I figured it would pass. I made sure not to get any germs on Remy in case I was contracting something.

"Jesus, Miller. Your salary cap's bigger than mine."

I laughed a bit, "I'm not asking for money. I'm asking if you could watch Remy for me tomorrow night."

Kaleta frowned, "What for?"

I sighed, "I'm having a guest over."

"You and Anna patching things up or something?"

"NO!" I practically yelled, causing everyone in the locker room to look at me, "I'm having a friend over."

"Which friend?"

"What's it to you?"

"Millsy, you've mean a hot mess ever since you broke it off with Anna," Jason Pominville noted, "Seriously, what really happened between you two?"

I gritted my teeth, holding in another cough, "I already said I am not going to talk about it."

"Daddy, Mommy has a boyfriend. Do you have a girlfriend?"

The room fell silent. My mischevious four year old escaped Tim's clutches and was now practicing with a spare stick. I felt the eyes of every single one of my team mates looking at me. I groaned.

"I kind of do, sweetie, but it's hard to explain."

Drew Stafford patted me on the back, "Atta boy. Who's the lucky lady?"

I shook my head, "I'm not talking about that."

Remy took a shot with the stick and scored the tape ball she made in someone's hanging jock, "She shoots, she scores!"

"Miller, I already told you," I heard the voice of Lindy Ruff booming in the doorway, "This is no place for a child. Especially a little girl." His voice seemed unusually loud. My head hurt.

I stood up quickly, feeling a slight head rush, "I'm sorry, Lindy, but I don't have a choice."

"There's plenty of weekend daycares in the area, you know," Lindy explained, "Seriously, kid, you're setting yourself up for exhaustion."

I shrugged, "I feel fine."

Derek Roy passed by, "You look like shit." Pat punched him in the side, motioning to Remy. "Oh, I mean, you look awful."

Remy was already on it, "Bad Uncle Derek! Go on, go in the corner. Hide your face! Ten minutes for missy crom ducks!"

I held in a laugh. Remy couldn't say 'misconduct.'

"Look, we're playing the Panthers tonight," Lindy said, "Lalime, it's been awhile since I gave you a start."

"Wait, I can-"

"Go home, Miller. Get some rest." Lindy nodded at Stafford, "Can you handle the kid?"

Drew Stafford swept Remy up in his arms, "Sure thing. Melissa loves her. Jake and Lily will love to have her for a sleepover."

"Sleepover?" Remy's eyes went wide, "YAY STAFFY! Sleepover! Can I Daddy? Can I?"

I had no choice but to say yes, leaving my daughter with Melissa Stafford shortly afterward, explaining I would pack Remy a bag later. I trusted them and I had before, but I felt stupid. I really was trying, but getting sick had messed up an otherwise excellent attendance record. This made me a terrible father as far as I was concerned.

Calling Julie was the first thing on my mind when I got home.

"Hello?"

"Hi Jules," I said, sniffling as I felt another sneeze coming on, "Did you say you'd be by around seven?"

Julie replied, "Ryan, you sound terrible."

"I'm fine!" I insisted, "Don't worry, I'll be good by tomorrow."

"Ok then," Julie said quietly, "See you then."

"Yep."

I hung up the phone and collapsed on the couch.

-

It must've been around six when I woke up to the smell of Windex. I rubbed my eyes, sore as they were, and saw someone was cleaning the window in the kitchen. And the kitchen was immaculately clean. Standing up and looking around, I saw my entire house was clean. That was when my head and throat began to ache, and my knees grew weak and I fell over.

"Ryan!"

I opened my eyes and saw Julie's pretty face looking down at me.

"What...is it tomorrow?"

"Jesus, you're burning up," she said, touching my forehead, "You need to get to bed, pronto."

"I...I don't know what you mean..."

"Bullshit, Ryan," Julie said, putting my arm over her shoulder and dragging me up the stairs, "Come on, sweetheart. I'm going to take care of you." Somehow we made it upstairs and into my room. I noticed she had even made my bed for me. Julia had cleaned the entire place!

She gently laid me down in bed and began to pull off my pants. I grabbed the waist and objected, "HEY!" before erupting in a sneezing fit. Great, now I was sneezing.

"I'm getting you into your boxers, silly," Jules said simply, "So you're comfy. Ok?"

"Oh...ok."

I let her proceed and then I got under the blankets. I felt like I hadn't slept in years. My throat hurt all the way to my ears, and my cough had made its way to my chest. Julie disappeared for a moment into the bathroom, and came back with a cold cloth. She placed it gently on my forehead and ran her hand up and down my bare arm. It felt nice.

I closed my eyes, "Mmm..."

"Tell me where it hurts."

I sighed, "My throat, my chest...my muscles ache..."

Jules nodded, "I know exactly what to do for you, then."

She disappeared again and came back with a bottle of cough syrup, some Advil Cold pills, and Vicks Vapour Rub.

"It'll be a bit cold at first, but it'll help..."

I laid there and let her spread the Vicks on my chest and felt instant relief. Maybe it was the Vicks, maybe it was simply her touch. After that I took some pills and the cough syrup before collapsing on my pillow.

"I brought chicken soup too," she told me, starting to massage my temples, which felt like heaven against my headache, "For when you get hungry."

"Mmmm...please stay forever." I groaned.

I felt her kiss my forehead, and I wished I had to strength to put my arms around her, but I failed. Julie realized I was achy and took note. She crawled in next to me, her feet touching mine. We hadn't done this since the night Carey cheated on her.

"Turn on your side," she whispered, "I'll help you sleep, Miller..."

I did as she said and felt her hands starting to work on my sore back. I sighed happily. So this was what romance was like. Anna would never in a million years give me a massage, let alone take care of me if I was sick. Julie's touch was soft and kind. Her sweetness began to seep through me, and I felt sleepy again. Once she had me completely relaxed, I drifted into a blissful slumber.

I only hoped she'd still be there when I awoke, and that it wasn't a dream.

eight : disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak

Song: Heartbreak Warfare, John Mayer


*Julie’s POV*

I woke up that morning and I had actually gotten a decent night’s sleep next to Ryan, which is exactly what I needed. My heart had finally stopped breaking. I just wanted this all out into the open. I wanted to know his reasons, her reasons, about why they would do this.

I got up and changed back into my clothes from yesterday. Just a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I threw on one of Ryan’s jackets on because it was raining. He drove me to the apartment and upon arriving, I felt a sick feeling in my stomach.

“You sure you want to do this?” he asked.

“I’m sure” I said drawing in a sharp breath, “It has to be done…”

I walked up the stairs and unlocked the door. I heard a couple muffled voices that I ignored and let myself in, with Ryan close behind.

“Hey baby” he smiled innocently, “How was shopping with Chantal?”

“I didn’t go” I simply replied.

“Oh…well that’s too bad” he frowned, “I ran into Anna on my way back from the gym and we thought maybe you guys would all like to go out for dinner”

“Not happening” I said.

“You ok?” he asked, “you don’t look so good”

“I can’t believe you’re playing innocent” I muttered.

“About what?” Anna replied.

“I saw you both…”

“What’s he doing here?” Carey asked looking in Ryan’s direction. He looked nervous. As he should be.

“It involves me too” Ryan replied, “Are you two seriously going to pretend you did nothing?”

“You know what? Carey offered me comfort and attention. You always turned me away”

“What I saw was not comfort” I snapped.

“It wasn’t forced either” Carey muttered.

“You could have at least told me if I did something wrong. Instead you act like a fucking coward and do this behind my back”

“I was NOT being a coward” he snapped back, “If anything, I was helping a friend. You are so fucking obsessed with popping out a kid, and you stopped caring about me completely”

“I was lonely Ryan…Carey gave me something you couldn’t…” Anna replied softly.

“First of all, you sick son of a bitch, you were not helping out a friend. You were doing that to break my heart” just as I said that I could smell smoke in my apartment, “You…you’re smoking in MY apartment? The one I let you move into? So much for quitting…” I was furious at this point.

“He should be able to do what he enjoys” Anna replied, with some attitude I should add.

“Which is you?” Ryan shot back with some sarcasm.

“Like you even bothered, Ryan” she replied.

“If you don’t appreciate what you have, then it goes away, simple as that Miller. Go cry to your Vezina”

“Don’t you dare go there. You don’t pretend like he’s the one that did something wrong here, don’t even try getting out of this scot-free. You went after MY best friend. Remember Anna? We used to be best friends”

“Fine, ok? What we did was wrong. But our reasons weren’t” she replied.

“Oh Anna, question. You remember your little girl, Remy? Through all of this did you even think of her? What this could do to her? All I have heard since this started was “Where’s mommy?” “Why isn’t mommy taking me to school?” “Is mommy ok?” and the list goes on”

“Selfish bitch…” I said under my breath”

“You are the selfish bitch Julie” Carey snapped.

“She’s a selfish bitch?” Ryan replied jumping to my defence, “All she did was care about you Carey. Maybe a little too much, she knows that, but you know it was enough for her to try and commit suicide because she though if you didn’t want her…who would? You know where I found her? In the bathtub, under the water, barely alive. I don’t know about you, but you two are the ones being selfish. If you didn’t want her Carey you could have at least been a man and told her”

“By the sounds of this Ryan, I’m not the only one with a wandering eye” Anna said with a sly smirk.

“Excuse me?” I said, barely holding back the tears, “Don’t put this on him. At least he cared about me enough. Unlike the immature five year old who can’t keep his hormones in check” I just looked him up and down in disgust.

“Anna does things that you’ve never even considered doing Julie. She has given me everything you can’t in less than two days”

“Oh and Ryan, he doesn’t have to shave his back either”

“Again, it’s always about you guys isn’t it?” I huffed, “You never considered how much you hurt me, or Ryan, or even your little girl. I almost died and you didn’t say a fucking word about it” I had stopped crying at this point, I was done wasting my tears on him.

“I never really realized how overdramatic you are…” Carey replied. I heard Anna snicker and I shot her a glare.

“You call suicide overdramatic?” Ryan replied. He looked like he was ready to jump Carey.

Anna stepped in between us and put her hands up, “Ok look, what Carey and I did was wrong, I accept that. Julie may have tried to hurt herself and failed, but the whole point is we’re all unhappy with our relationships”

“That’s all you have to say?” I asked crossing my arms.

“Better than the shit you said” she mumbled.

I ignored her comment and turned to Carey, “You never cared about me, did you?”

“I loved you when you were you. I don’t love you anymore Julie…”

The words I expected to hurt, didn’t. It’s like they flew right by me, because I just didn’t love him anymore. That was his own fault.

“You know what, if you had told me this before you would have saved us a whole lot of misery. Because I really don’t love you anymore” I half smiled as I said it, “Oh and Anna, we’re not friends anymore. Just looking at you makes me sick”

“Good, cause I couldn’t be friends with someone that would push him away” she replied.

“Fine, I really don’t feel like arguing with you anymore anyways”

“Good so I’ll be out by morning” Carey said.

“So will I, oh and Ryan, you‘ll be explaining this to Remy, you brought this upon yourself” Anna replied.

“Oh Carey, I want you out tonight” I replied with a smirk.

“Don’t worry about Remy” Ryan replied, “She doesn’t need your example in her life”

Anna marched up to him and slapped him across the face. I immediately pushed her away and stepped in between them.

“Like she needs yours either” she said.

“I’m pretty sure all he did was care about the girl” I replied, “You did yourself no favours Anna”

“Fuck you both” she said.

I just half laughed, “Um, I’d rather not, but thanks for the offer” I heard Ryan snicker and she just shot me a glare, “Get out of my apartment, I really hope you’re both so happy together” I said sarcastically.

“I’ll be back for my stuff” Carey said.

“Let me know cause I’d rather not be here when you do” I replied.

I watched them both leave and I just sighed. That all ended up being easier than I thought it would be. I really felt nothing seeing him go. I thought I would at least cry or something, but nothing. I was proud of myself.

“Well done” he laughed.

“Thanks” I smiled, “Not so bad yourself”

He put his hand on his cheek and just winced, “She left quite a mark there” I said putting my hand on his cheek, “Ice?”

“That would be nice” he replied.

I went to the freezer and he followed me. All I could find was a bag of frozen vegetables. I shrugged and pulled it from the freezer. He was a bit taller so I reached up and put it on his cheek.

*Ryan’s POV*

Her touch was warm, even if it was a bag of frozen vegetables. I felt something I don’t even remember feeling for Anna. She was truly a sweetheart, and a beautiful soul. I also can’t deny that she was beautiful too. I moved my hand up and pulled the bag from my cheek and took her hand.

“Thank you” I said.

“For what? I should be thanking you. You saved me…” she replied.

“You helped me realize that I was making a mistake marrying her”

“Well it’s not what I meant to do” she lightly laughed, “But ok”

“You know these last couple days I have realized something”

“What’s that?” she asked leaning against the counter.

“That you mean a lot more to me than I thought you would”

She was silent for a minute. Before she could make a break for it I stood in front of her, putting both my hands on the counter to keep her from going anywhere. She just lightly smiled, but before I could make the move, she took my face in her hands and kissed me. I have to say, I’ve never been kissed like that before.

“I honestly have wanted to do that for a while…” she said.

“Really?”

She just nodded, “I kinda like you Miller”

I just smirked, “I kinda like you too Jules”

I just kissed her forehead and pulled her into a hug. I felt 100% better now that this was all out in the open. Anna was poison. It might sound harsh, but I just don’t think she would have done either me or Remy any good. Now Julie, she was a different story.

seven: I can't find the words to tell you.

song: never let this go by paramore.

*Ryan's POV*

Poor Julie. I had no idea what to do. I only did what she wanted, in hopes she would remain safe. As she drifted off to sleep in the dark, I stayed awake and let my thoughts wander.

It really hit me then that Anna had, or was, cheating on me. With her best friend's boyfriend. I sighed, wondering how this could have happened. Could I have prevented it? Certainly. I could've prevented a lot of things.

The voice of my coach and long-time friend, Lindy Ruff, came into my head as I thought to myself.

"Don't blame yourself for every little goal they get on you. Celebrate the ones you stop, and learn from your mistakes."

In truth, the only reason I'd asked for Anna's hand was because we had a daughter together- that, and my mom was pestering me to make things 'proper.' Don't get me wrong, I grew up in a normal, middle-class household in Michigan, but that was how Mom was. She loved her granddaughter, but told me constantly that I had to marry Anna to set a good example for Remy. Maybe asking her to marry me was a mistake.

I knew I wasn't in love with Anna anymore, and that was why I was more confused than heartbroken as Julie was. Things had started to fade between us just before I left for Vancouver. We'd make love less, kiss less, hug a little lighter. While Dustin Brown, my roommate in the village, spent a good hour on the phone with his girlfriend after the Gold game loss to Canada, I texted Anna briefly. Walking around with my silver medal at the closing ceremonies, I found myself thinking not of Anna, but of my daughter, watching on television. I had to show her that Daddy was a proud American, no matter what place we'd made it to.

Remy. What was I going to do about her? I knew at some point I'd have to confront Anna about her sleeping with Carey, which I knew would result in breaking off the engagement. In a way, for Remy's sake, I thought about going to see a relationship counsellor after dealing with that. I wanted to stay with Anna, so that Remy would still have her mother around. I didn't want to break things between them.

Carey Price was a different story. I despised him for two reasons, the first being that he had slept with the mother of my child and wife to be, and secondly that he had driven Julie to attempt suicide. The second part made me angrier than the first. Somehow I knew Anna and I were detiorating, and my refusal of lovemaking for a long time didn't surprise me that she chose to cheat. My heart ached, knowing it truly was my own fault, and I probably deserved it. But what Carey did to Julie was the single most unnecessary act in the world. How could he hurt such a sweet and beautiful girl?

I ran my fingers through Julie's hair, listening to her breathing softly. I was more concerned for her than for myself, which didn't make too much sense. It was lucky that she'd called me and I'd caught her before it was too late. Thinking of this, I squeezed her tightly, a bit, just to make sure she was still there. Julie groaned in her sleep and snuggled up to me closer; her hand reaching up and grazing across my cheek.

"I like your stubble, Ryan..." Jules whispered in her sleep.

I chuckled a bit, "Thanks."

The last time Anna and I had stayed in bed like this was almost a year ago. I hardly remembered it. This kind of thing we used to do all the time, and shortly after Remy was born, things changed. Stress evolved. Waking up in the middle of the night became a chore. And we lost interest in each other.

Of course, the last time we'd really had sex was the second time I got Anna pregnant. We were both drunk at Drew Stafford's house during somebody's birthday celebration, and we both snuck off to the guest bedroom and locked ourselves in. We used no protection, and a couple months later (which was ironically, now), we found out about the pregnancy. I was happy to be becoming a father again and I immediately proposed to Anna.

I was slowly weaving my own mess, and now it had come full circle for me. But at this moment I didn't care. All I cared about was the small, shaking bundle next to me, begging for my attention. I held onto her tightly, promising not to leave that night.

Julia needed me.

Anna didn't.

-

*Anna's POV*

"...and seriously, the best part about being pregnant? Multiple orgasms."

Carey smirked, "I know. I've got the marks on my back to prove it."

I wrapped my legs around his, "Tell me, Price. Am I better than her?"

He lit a cigarette, "Oh yeah..."

I smiled and leaned back on the pillow. Two fucking hours of mind-blowing sex with Carey Price. Mmmhmm. Why hadn't I thought of this before? I was so sick and tired of the mindless, useless stuff with Ryan. Carey was different, exciting- and he gave me what I wanted. Several times.

"Julie doesn't let me smoke."

"Julie's a bitch sometimes," I sighed, "You can smoke if you want."

Carey laughed, "You don't think being thrown around by me is bad for your baby?"

I shrugged, "I didn't want another kid, to be honest."

Carey gave me a shocked look, "So you don't care....?"

"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be."

I watched Carey blow a smoke ring. My phone suddenly went off. I jumped out of bed, naked of course, and looked at my phone. Ryan had texted me twice, asking where I was. I simply texted him back that I had gone shopping.

"Who was it?" Carey asked me.

I smirked, pulling the blankets back, "No one."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

six: my heart only breaks when it's beating

Song: It only hurts when I breathe, Shania Twain

I was going out shopping with Max’s girlfriend, Chantal. Real sweetheart. I was meeting her at her and Max’s place. Max was a good friend of mine, and Chantal was one of the only girlfriends of the team that were near my age. Or that were at least nice enough to go shopping with.

“Hey” I smiled as she opened the door.

“Julia, hey!” she smiled, “how are you?”

“I’m good” I said stepping inside the door, “Max around?”

“At the gym” she said.

“Oh yah, Carey said he was heading over there too” I replied looking through my purse. I fished through it trying to find my phone, “Damn”

“What’s wrong?” she said picking up her bag.

“Forgot my phone at home, do you mind if I stop home and grab it?”

“Sure thing” she smiled throwing her bag over her shoulder.

We walked and talked as we made our way to the apartment. I unlocked the door and saw my phone sitting on the kitchen counter. As I moved back towards the door I heard a banging. I slowly walked down the hall and heard the noise coming from the bedroom. I was slow to open the door but I peeked in and saw a sight that would be burned into my brain.

Anna. Carey. Fucking like there was no tomorrow. I could feel the tears in my eyes and my hand slapped over my mouth. I quietly shut the door and slowly went back down the stairs to meet Chantal.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?”

“Um, it’s ok. I don’t really want to talk about it. Do you think we could do this another time. Something just suddenly came up and I need to go”

“Ok” she replied with a bit of concern in her voice, “if you need anything just call me ok?”

“Ok, thanks” I sadly smiled. I grabbed my phone as I hurried towards anywhere but here. Somewhere far away from here. I dialled Ryan’s number, he was the only one I could think of.

“Ryan?” I said before he could say anything.

“Jules? You ok?”

“Can I see you please, there is something you need to know”

“Ok, just at the Best Western, room 345”

“Thank you”

I put my phone in my pocket and almost ran towards my destination. The tears were starting to flow and I did all I could to keep them from coming, keeping them from blurring my vision.

I made it to the hotel and took the elevator to the right floor. I was out of breath as I made it to his room and knocked on the door.

He opened the door and saw my tear streaked face and could hear my heavy breathing. On account I practically ran here.

“What’s going on?”

“I saw them” I said, “Anna. Carey, in bed, together, holy shit” I was barely breathing.

“Jules, breathe, are you sure?”

“Yes I’m fucking sure” I snapped, “fucking like neither of us even existed”

He just ran his fingers through his hair and started pacing. I sat against the wall with my knees up to my chest, letting out quiet sobs. I’ve never hurt so much in my life.

“Jules, did you just want to stay here for now?” he asked, “maybe take a shower? You can borrow some extra clothes”

“Ok” I nodded as he helped me up.

“I’ll be here…if you need anything”

“Thanks Ryan”

I stepped into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I decided to take a bath, it would feel a lot better physically. Even if my heart was shattering inside my chest. I stripped down and sat into the warm water. It really did feel perfect. I sat there for a while, and looked down at the water, it wasn’t clear anymore, considering the fact I’ve been in there for almost an hour.

My mind started to come up with reasons why Carey would do something like this to me. Was I not enough? Did he not love me anymore? Was he doing this to spite Ryan? And Anna. I can’t believe she’d do this to me, or Ryan. They have a little girl and another one on the way. I don’t understand how either of them did what they did. I looked down at the water again and got the sudden urge to just put my head under, and stop breathing. Maybe if my heart stopped beating it wouldn’t hurt this much.

If Carey didn’t want me, then who did? What was the point of being here if nobody wanted me? I sucked in a breath and slowly dipped my head under. I didn’t panic when it was harder and harder to breathe. Suddenly, darkness.

*Ryan’s POV*

She was in there for a long time. She must have taken a bath, and I didn’t blame her. I didn’t hear anything going on, not even any movement. I knocked on the door hoping for a response, nothing.

“Jules, I’m coming in for a minute” I didn’t even hear her object. I opened the door quickly and didn’t see her. I looked around and got closer to the bathtub to see her under the water, it didn’t even look like she was moving. I ignored the fact she had no clothes on, reached in and pulled her out.

“Julie” I said tapping her cheek gently to see if she would wake up. Nothing. I put my fingers to check her vitals. Barely a pulse. I frantically wrapped her in a towel and laid her down on the floor. I did CPR, mouth to mouth anything I could to wake her up. After 2 of the longest minutes of my life she coughed up some water and slowly opened her eyes.

“Thank God” I muttered.

“What happened?” she said hoarsely.

“Julie you almost drowned” I replied, “What happened?”

She just looked down at the towel wrapped around her, “I just figured that if he didn’t want me, then who did?” You could see the tears brimming in her eyes and suddenly tears were falling from her eyes like a waterfall, and then the sobs. I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry. I didn’t care that my shirt was soaked, or that she was half naked, her hurt was my only concern.

She finally stopped and pulled away from me. I just gently wiped the few stray tears from her eyes and sadly smiled, “you need some warm clothes”. She just nodded as I took her hand and helped her up.

I grabbed a pair of sweats, a t-shirt and a Sabres hoodie. She didn’t care what team was on it at this point. She pulled her hair up in a bun on top of her head and pulled back the covers of the bed.

I moved towards the other bed when she grabbed my arm, “can you sleep here? I can’t sleep alone, not tonight” I was caught off guard but I agreed. I pulled off my t-shirt and jeans and was just in boxer shorts. I pulled back the covers on the other side and laid down beside her. It was honestly a bit awkward, Julie was one of my best friends. I felt her hand reach behind her and grab my arm and wrap it around her waist.

“I don’t bite” she said as she reached for the lamp to turn it off.

“You know he loves you” I whispered.

“No he doesn’t” she replied, “you didn’t see what I saw. It was like I never even meant anything to him, like I didn’t even exist”

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s not your fault”

“Never try and kill yourself again. I don’t know what I’d do with myself” I said quietly.

“I promise…only if you stay here…”

“I’m not going anywhere” I replied kissing the top of her head. Before I knew it, she was sound asleep.

five: I can do whatever I want, like you.

song: indiana by meg & dia

*Anna's POV*

I got up at around noon, finally able to get out of bed. I badly needed a shower after the night I'd had. Casually, I wandered into the bathroom and turned on the water, stripping off my clothes. Just before stepping in, I felt Carey behind me.

"You wanna get clean or dirty?" he whispered, cupping my breasts with his hands. I groaned, feeling him kiss me all over my neck.

"Both."

I removed his boxers and pulled him in with me. We must've stayed in there for an hour or two at the most. Like last night, it was pretty amazing. I had no idea that Price knew how to use the shower head on me so spectacularly. I hoped the people next to us didn't have to endure the screaming.

"When will I see you again?" Carey asked as we dried off.

I shrugged, "When do you want to see me?"

Carey pursed his lips, "It's going to be tough, you know, not letting Julie or Ryan find out."

"That's ok," I told him, "Makes it more fun, now doesn't it?"

He grinned mischievously, "Text me?"

I grabbed his face and kissed him hard, "I will."

-

*Ryan's POV*

Dropping Remy off at school was hard on me. I tried to keep my composure in front of my daughter, but with all honesty I was breaking inside. Where was she? Why had she up and left? Was it because of me? My mind was filled with unanswered questions.

Finally, just as I pulled into the driveway, my phone rang.

"Where are you?" I demanded.

"I went for a walk, baby," Anna replied, "Really early."

"At 5:00 am?!"

"Yes. I needed to clear my head." She laughed; a laugh I'd never heard before. "You worry too much. Be home in a few minutes."

"I worry because you're pregnant." I told her, soon afterwards I realized she'd already hung up.

This was most definitely my fault. Anna was angry and frustrated with me. I couldn't understand why I had said no to her last night. I mean, I WAS tired, but Anna only wanted a mere few minutes. Couldn't be so bad.

We didn't have practice until the next day. I decided that maybe I could find a way to redeem myself with Anna- and save us from having more unnecessary fights. So, going in the house, I found some candles, changed the sheets on the bed and closed the shade in our room. I waited quietly for Anna to show up.

I heard her walking up the stairs, and within thirty seconds she appeared in the doorway.

"Hey," I said, trying to sound sexy.

Anna smiled a bit, "Hey." She walked over to the bed and flopped down.

I blinked at her in shock. Did she not...want me?

"Annie?"

"I'm sorry," she said tiredly, "I'm just really sleepy."

I sighed, "Ok. That's cool."

I blew out the candles, "Do you want me to sleep next to you for a little while? Maybe we could cuddle?"

Anna didn't respond. She was already sleeping.

I sighed and wandered out of the room, feeling dejected and pretty pathetic. Now I had no idea what to do. As far as I was concerned, the relationship was headed to a bad spot. What's worse, I had no idea what I was going to tell Remy. "Oh, Mommy went out for a late-night walk," did exactly sound like the best thing to say. I had to set a good example for my daughter.

Remy was my entire world. I would give up anything and everything for her. I loved her like I loved no one. The fear I felt for her was uncanny. My little girl was in no way going to find out that her mother was wandering the streets of Buffalo late at night...or early in the morning, however long she was gone.

My wedding band gleamed under the light as I went down the stairs and collapsed on the couch. Something didn't feel right with Anna. I knew that somehow there was a missing piece to the puzzle. Of course, I had no idea where to start looking.
-

*Carey's POV*

I could not wait for this day to come. It had been the longest week and a half of my life. Well, having all those issues with Julie and whatnot, I was sick of having the same conversations- and the same boring make-up sex. Now I was finally going to get what I had been craving for what seemed like forever.

Jules was going to make a run to the supermarket, and then out shopping with Max Lapierre's girlfriend. I told her I was heading to the gym, but not until noon. She kissed me goodbye and headed out.

I pulled out my phone and texted Anna.

COAST IS CLEAR. COME & GET IT ;)

Fifteen minutes later, I heard a knock on the apartment door. I practically jumped off the couch, knowing exactly who it was. There she was, looking hotter than ever in a low-cut top and high heels. She silenced me right away.

We closed the door behind us as she pushed me to the bedroom. I devoured her mouth, feeling the excitement in my pants. Anna put her hand on my hard-on, grinning. As I fell back onto the bed, I knew what was coming next.

Anna stood up and closed the bedroom door, dropping her skirt and showing off a spectacular garter and stockings. I jumped up and pulled off her top, glad to see her magnificent pair of breasts in a lacy, barely-there bra. She looked fantastic.

She crawled on top of me, showing that her underwear was bottomless- this girl was ready for action!

"You ready, Price?" Anna asked, stroking the side of my face.

I licked my lips and pulled her forward to my face, "Hell yeah."

four: are all those memories so easy to forget?

Song: If You Don't Love Me, Jason Blaine


I was so tired, I barely got any sleep that night. Maybe a couple hours at the most. I knew I had to drive back to Montreal, but I also knew that trying to stay here longer and sleep wouldn’t do any good, because I wouldn’t sleep.

I packed up my things and went down to the small restaurant in the hotel. I grabbed myself a large coffee and sat for a bit, going back through my head what happened between Carey and I.

I felt my phone vibrating in my back pocket. I looked at the name, Ryan. I was caught off guard that he was calling me, but I answered anyways.

“Hey” I said, “What’s up?”

“Have you talked to Annie?” he asked, “No Rems we are not getting ice cream at 8am”

I just laughed, “Um, no I haven’t, why?”

“She wasn’t home when I woke up this morning”

“Oh…that’s not like her. She hasn’t even called or texted me”

“Oh, maybe she just decided to stay somewhere else…”

“Don’t worry Ryan, everything will be just fine”

I looked up as I said that and swore I saw Anna walking through the hotel. I shook my head and she was gone. It couldn’t have been, I’m running on 2 hours of sleep, I’m hallucinating.

“DADDY, WHERE IS MOMMY!?” I heard on the other end.

“Sorry Julie” you could hear him set the phone down, “Mommy is gone right now sweetie” he said quietly, “I’m taking you to school this morning okay?”

You could hear rustling as he picked up the phone and his voice came on again, “Sorry about that, I should go, just let me know if you hear anything, she won’t answer her phone”

“I will, talk to you soon Ryan”

I set my phone down on the table, hoping to hear from Carey, but I wasn’t getting anything, maybe I should just call him myself. I went to dial but I hesitated and set the phone down, maybe he wouldn’t want to hear from me right now. Maybe it’s just best I let him do his thing and see him tonight.

I took a last gulp of my coffee and threw the cup in the trash. I grabbed my bag and found my car in the parking lot, throwing my things into the back. I plugged in my ipod and turned on some Kings of Leon. They really knew how to make me feel better.

It was all I listened to as I drove back to Montreal. It’s all I could listen to because everything else would make me cry. I made it back to Montreal safely, no falling asleep, I was pretty proud of myself. It was close to 2 once I made it to my apartment, maybe being home I’d be able to get some sleep, it would also help get my mind off of all of this.

My eyes opened and the clock said 6:03. Great, I was going to be late for the game. I cleaned myself up and grabbed my keys, driving through the stand still traffic to get to the Bell Centre.

I walked down towards the dressing room and saw Carey, I didn’t find myself smiling or even feeling anything when I saw him. When his eyes fell on me, he had a look of fear, or maybe it was guilt. Why?

“Hey baby…” he said hesitating but giving me a gentle hug.

“You ok?”

“Just tired” he said quickly, “Why?”

“You just don’t seem like yourself”

He looked nervous now, like I was getting closer to the truth. I didn’t even know what truth I was looking for.

“Seriously, what’s going on Carey?”

“I promise, it’s nothing” he said reassuringly. He looked down at the phone in his hand and slightly smiled and then looked back up at me.

“I know you too well to know it’s not nothing. You’re scaring me…”

“It’s not you ok? I promise, it’s just…my sister”

I didn’t press the issue, “fine. I’ll see you after the game”

I just swallowed a lump in my throat and walked in the direction of the box. I just sat down and watched as the team came out for warm-ups. I knew he wasn’t starting so Halak would be warming up with the team. I didn’t know what was going on anymore. He was keeping something from me, I could feel it.

*Carey’s POV*

It wasn’t my sister. It was Anna. I knew very well what I was doing wasn’t exactly…right. At the same time, I was lonely. Anna was something different, new for a change. Four years with Julie was honestly getting boring. I did love her, at one point, but I just don’t think it was there anymore.

Ryan? Why the hell should I care what I did to Ryan? Ryan didn’t care what he did to me. He had everything and I didn’t have nearly close to what he had. I will take it all away from him if I can.

“We’re coming to Montreal at the beginning of the month, I’m sure we can plan something for then ; )” is what she put. All I could do was smirk but it was a mischievous smirk.

This sneaking around thing was really fun. I knew she was unhappy with Ryan and I was unhappy with Julie. In fact all it is, is two lonely people having a good time. There’s no love at all. But I’ll take it, because Julie never gave me what Anna did give me in one night.