Wednesday, April 21, 2010

sixteen: it's just the way you are

Song: You've Got A Way, Shania Twain

*Julie’s POV*

My emotions were scattered everywhere at this point. I felt…something for Ryan, something I couldn’t explain. I just knew when I was with him, it’s as if it was just us. Nobody else even existed, or mattered.

As I sat in the passenger seat, I was still beaming. After our locker room incident, how could I not be this ecstatic. I turned my head to look at him, as he intently kept his eyes on the road. I don’t think he even realized I was staring.

At the same time, amidst all this happiness, and excitement, Price was still in the back of my mind. I know what you’re thinking, he has no business being there, but he was part of the reason I was feeling like this. I used to feel this with him, it’s been so long since I’ve felt it, and there was a tiny part of me that wonders if he could compete with Ryan after that. There was still a part of me that wanted to test that theory. It was probably just my hormones at work, causing those thoughts, considering what I just did with Ryan.

I didn’t know what to think anymore. I just knew I had to get over this shit with Price. I knew Ryan was the only person that was going to help me do that.

We got back to his place, and Ryan did his pre-game routine. I wasn’t going to the game tonight, I was exhausted, I was going to head to bed early tonight.

I was left to my thoughts as Ryan left that evening for the arena. I didn’t know what was left to think about. There was this one thing that caught me off guard. I got a text message, from Price.

“I miss you” was all he said.

I actually felt my heart break, just a little bit. I didn’t understand why. I know you don’t get over your first and only love overnight, but I still didn’t think that something as simple as a text message would make me feel that miserable.


I woke up the next morning with an arm around my waist. I woke up where I didn’t fall asleep. He must have taken me to bed last night, even Price never did that…

I shifted and stood up, only to feel weak and a bit nauseous. Before I knew it, I was hugging the toilet, puking what felt like all my guts in there. Thankfully, my heaving didn’t wake Ryan up, but the fact that I was feeling this now…was a nervewracking sign.

I brushed my teeth, washed out my mouth and changed into a pair of ripped jeans and a old vintage v-neck t-shirt of mine. I went into the kitchen and made myself some coffee, I wasn’t exactly hungry after that.

“Hey you” I heard Ryan come into the living room as I turned on ESPN.

“I see you won last night” I smiled looking at the 4-1 score.

“Sure did” he said.

“You have been playing really well lately if I do say so myself” I smirked.

He walked over to me and leaned over the arm of the couch, “You think so?”

I just nodded in agreement as he leaned in for a kiss, that left me absolutely breathless, “You’re good at that”

He just laughed, “Well thank you” he said pecking my lips again before going to grab some coffee.

“You have practice today?” I asked.

“Just an optional skate. I might not go”

“You should go” I said quickly.

He turned around and raised an eyebrow at me, “Why?”

“Well, the extra time seems to be doing some good. You should keep it going”

“If you insist” he shrugged.

I needed to get him away for a couple hours. I had to go to the drug store and find out if this sickness was what I thought it was. I mean, it’s been a few days since the first time…but I didn’t think it could happen that easily. I mean…with Carey, it never happened…

I quickly left for the drug store after Ryan left. I grabbed myself a pregnancy test and stopped at a convenience store, and used their public washroom. I didn’t want Ryan seeing the trash in the garbage, I wasn’t ready to tell him.

I leaned against the wall of the stall impatiently waiting for the result. It felt like years as I waited to see if this was really true. I stopped the moment I heard the fateful beep to indicate it was done. I paused, frozen, preparing myself for what was to come.

I slowly moved toward it, picked it up and saw the result. A little pink plus sign. It was positive. I was pregnant, with Ryan Miller’s baby. Holy shit.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

fifteen: you wanna get on the ride?

song: sour cherry by the kills

*Ryan’s POV*

Wow. Just, wow. My mind was completely blown and my heart was beating so fast I thought it might break through my chest. My body was shaky, my walk unsteady.

I had never had a better night in my life.

Julie took me by surprise when she climbed into my bed, but I was so glad she did. The feeling of our bodies together felt so right. I was gentle with her, as I should be- after all, she’d just had her heart broken. The kisses she gave me were so passionate, so full of life that I had a hard time letting go. When it was all finished, I had felt so fulfilled, so good, that it was all I could do to say it to her then and there.

I was falling in love with Julie, and falling hard.

The problem was, I was supposed to be figuring things out between Anna and me. I called and left a message on her phone, but two days had gone by and no reply. But I didn’t care. Right now Julie was all I wanted. But I still had to think things through.

The day after I took her to meet the guys, I’d missed dinner and gone to an optional practice skate the following morning. To be honest, I’d missed it on purpose. My heart was going absolutely insane every time I looked at her, touched her. Even being in the same room made my feelings go haywire. I knew I had to back off and just let it all take its course.

Julie showed up at the arena and surprised me in the locker room. I always had to be last to get out there onto the ice. It was just how I was. Just before I went to put on my left pad, I heard her voice.

“Hey Ryan.”

I grinned like an idiot, “Hey Jules!”

She smiled at me and I melted, “What’s up?”

That was when I started rambling, “I'm sorry I couldn't make it for dinner last night, that whole press conference lasted longer than I expected.”

Jules shrugged, “It's really okay, I understand.”

“And I know we'd planned it and I didn't want to mess that up, I promise I'll make it up to you. And I'm sorry about how I didn't get in later, and I should've called more than once.”

Julie nodded, “Remy called, looking for you. I talked to her for a little while. She’s been having a great time at her grandparents’ place.”

“Remy was ok with you? I mean or course she was, she loves you. Well, I do too, but, um, I...well...actually...uh...”

Her eyes grew wide and my stomach jumped into my throat, “You what?”

I tried to cover it up, “I think I’ll do great on the drills this morning, which I usually don't.”

“Ryan, don't change the subject please. Did you just say what I think you said?”

I started sweating, “Is it me or is it warm in here?”

“Ryan, you're freaking me out...”

She’d caught me. I had no choice but to tell her the truth.

“ you more than I originally planned.”

Her eyes widened, “And that means?”

I sighed, looking down at my half-laced skates, “It means I love you.”

She was quiet for a moment, “...oh.”

“If you don’t feel the same, I understand,” I added quickly. I didn’t want to pressure her.

“ know that I'm not quite at the stage where I can fall in love this soon,” Julie explained, sitting next to me on the bench, “But I do like you, if I didn't prove that the other night.”

At that point I felt a definite response in my pants. I swallowed, hard.

“I know, I know...and I'm sorry, I never should've said anything....”

Then it hit me.

“Oh my god.”

“Ryan, it's okay, really.”

“No it’s not, actually.”

“I just realized something,” I said slowly, “Anna and I haven't had sex in almost a year.”

I ignored her disgusted look, “Well...that's something I needed to know.”

“Actually, you do,” I told her, “Because there are no condoms at my house.”

Julie raised her eyebrows, “OH.”

I sighed, “Julie, if anything happens to you...I swear...”

“Ryan, calm down. We’ll be perfectly fine. It’s no big deal.”

I could feel myself blushing, “Umm...maybe not...”

She frowned at me, “Why?”

God, this was embarrassing, “It happened three times for me.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I...had...three times,” I said through gritted teeth, “You know, with you, the other night....”

“OH!” Julie smiled a bit, “Um, well...that’s ok, because I did, too. Well, twice, anyway.”

I couldn’t look at her; she was so beautiful, and I was so awkward. How could I make her feel something like that? Me, the mediocre lover who failed at everything? She had to be making it up.

“Anna always said I was bad in bed,” I said slowly, “If you’re lying to me, please don’t.”

“I’m not lying. You were perfect, Ryan.”

I almost gagged in disbelief, “What?”

“It's been a while since Carey and I...did anything, and I was craving it, which is why I broke into your room that night...and well, you were perfect.”

I said nothing, shaking my head as I stared at the floor.

Julie touched my hand, “Ryan, I’m not Anna. I’m far from her.”

“I know.”

“Please look at me.”

I couldn’t, not just yet. I had to ask her something.

“Did you really just sleep with me because you wanted Carey? Tell me the truth, Jules.”

She paused, “I’m going to admit, I missed him, and you were there, but I realized that you are different from him.”

“Different how?” I frowned, looking up at her.

“You treated me differently.”

I laughed a little, “Well, you treated me differently too. I'm glad you didn't hit me afterwards, heh. Not gonna miss that at all.”

I immediately regretted letting that slip as Julia’s eyes grew wide, “She hit you?”

“Really, what guy is gonna be believed that his girlfriend knocks him around?” I shrugged.

“I’m sorry, you don’t deserve that.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

We were quiet for a moment.

“Can we go home now?” Julie asked, sounding a bit anxious.

“Well...I have to practice.” I told her.

“It’s optional though, right?”

She seemed a little excited, “Do you want something?”

*Julie’s POV*

I pushed Ryan up against the Buffalo-blue wall, “This room has a lock, right?”

I grabbed his face and kissed him hard, forcing my tongue to tangle with his. Letting go, I trailed kisses down his cheek and onto his neck, starting to suck gently. Ryan started to involuntarily moan, his hands busied in my hair.



Ryan reached out and locked the door, “Let me help you out, here....”

He lifted me by my hips and set me on the countertop where the guys usually set their bags, pulling my underwear down to my ankles. Parting my thighs, Ryan moved his face to beneath my skirt and to my surprise, I felt his breath on the outer lips.

I’d never in a million years let Carey do this. But he wasn’t Carey.

The most incredible sensations started to travel through me as Ryan started to tease me with his tongue. It was the strangest, most wonderful thing. I reached out and ran my hands through his hair as the feelings got stronger, and as though given permission, Ryan dove deeper inside me, his tongue moving faster and harder, rubbing against my zone in the most perfect way.

“Oh Ryan...” I moaned, his hands starting to stimulate me, “Ryannnnn...”

Just as I was about to reach my peak, he stopped and blinked those bright eyes at me. I pulled him up and kissed him hard. Eager to return the favour, I shoved my hand inside his pants and gripped his shaft; a gasp escaping from him as I started to pump up and down. To my absolute excitement I felt him grow harder beneath my grip.

Ryan pulled my t-shirt off my head and unhooked my bra, smiling at my exposed chest.

“Better...” he mumbled, his hands exploring me as he kissed me with passion. My body started to tingle, feeling as though it was getting ready for something big...and it was.

“Take off your clothes,” I instructed, “Now.”

I took off my shoes and pulled off my skirt while Ryan excitedly tore off his underarmour. He took control of me, picking me up by my hips and slamming me against the wall. I grinned at him.

Ryan pressed himself inside of me gently, almost painstakingly slow. I threw back my head and moaned, loving the feeling of him. He began by thrusting small, tiny movements, almost as though he was teasing me.

I moved my hips forward the same time he moved and felt a surge of pleasure. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I begged Ryan to give me everything. I didn’t care that it was unprotected. All I wanted was him.

Somehow we ended up on the floor. Ryan was on top of me, moving with the same rhythm, both of us working up a sweat. I could feel it all building inside of me as I begged him not to stop. He grasped my hips and pushed himself faster, moaning my name into my ear.

“Julie....Julieee....” Ryan whimpered, the sweat from our bodies merging, “I’m so close...”

“Come for me Ryan,” I said quickly, flipping us over, “Please.”

I raised myself so he was almost out and then bounced back down. That was more than enough for the both of us. I fell forward as I had the most pleasurable orgasm I’d ever had, Ryan’s body writhing as he screamed beneath me. It took a good two minutes before we both recovered.

“...oh my god...” Ryan breathed as I got up, “That was...fucking amazing...”

“You,” I said, going to put on my underwear, “Are fucking amazing.”

Ryan grinned as we both started to put on our clothes, “I have never, ever done something like that.”

“Neither have I...” I said with a smile, turning to kiss him, “Mmm...don’t know why I never noticed this incredible body before.”

Ryan smiled against my lips, “You know, it was in the dark the last time. It’s still light for a few more hours.”

“Then what are we waiting for?”

Pulling on our clothes, I unlocked the door and swung it open.

There stood Pat Kaleta and Derek Roy.

I felt myself turn bright red as I finished buttoning up my shirt and adjusting my messy hair. Ryan gave them a shy grin as they looked at him knowingly. They had most definitely heard everything.

“Atta boy,” Pat snickered, hitting Ryan on the back, “Good show.”

I held out my hand, eager for Ryan to follow me, which he did.

“It’s Miller time!” Derek Roy called as we ran towards the exit.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

fourteen: i know in my heart it's not you

Song: I Caught Myself, Paramore

*Julie’s POV*

I don’t know what had come over me. I just needed to feel something again. I haven’t felt anything since I was with Carey. I just know that with Ryan, every kiss, touch just might make me feel something I never thought I could ever feel. Something I have never felt before.

“Julie, are --” I placed my finger over his lips to stop him.

“No talking” I whispered, “I need you…now”

I knew he was caught off guard, that was the whole point, but he caved, and kissed me. And this time, I fell under his spell and let him take control. He touched me in ways Carey never even dreamed of, it absolutely made me melt.

We didn’t just have sex, we made love. I can say that Carey and I, never, ever did that. I did miss it with him, but after a night like that with Ryan, I didn’t miss it anymore, not as much as I did anyways.

I fell back beside him and smiled to myself and then I turned to look at him, he had a look of shock on his face.

“You ok?” I whispered.

“Perfect” he simply said.

I looked at the clock, it was almost 3am, “Can we do it again?” I asked, still trying to catch my breath.

He didn’t hesitate, he just climbed on top of me and kissed me. The rest of the night was absolute bliss, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.


I woke up that morning, next to Ryan, and I was never happier. I practically bounced out of bed and grabbed one of Ryan’s dress shirts and threw it on. I hopped into the kitchen and made some breakfast. I was one of the happiest girls in the world right now. Even the gash on my neck, thanks to Anna, that was really sore today, couldn’t bring me down.

I was just setting food on a plate when I felt two arms around me. I immediately stopped what I was doing when I felt his breath on my neck.

“Hey” I said.

“Smells good” he said kissing my neck and pulling back.

“Nothing special” I said handing him a plate.

I finally made eye contact with him since being with him last night. I felt those butterflies, it seems cheesy, but it’s true. I just smiled and bit my lip.

“I have a proposition for you” he said putting some food in his mouth.

“What’s that?”

“I want you to meet the guys” he said.

I didn’t respond right away. Meeting his team was almost as big as meeting his parents. I mean, he’s with these guys 24/7. They aren’t just his “buddies” they are practically his second family.

“Already?” I simply asked.

“It’s just the team Jules” he half smiled.

“It’s not just “the team” Ryan” I replied using finger quotes, “I mean, they’re approval means a lot”

He just sighed and rubbed my arms gently, “I promise, it’s no reason to worry, they’ll love you. You’re nothing like Anna”

I just half smiled and sighed, “Ok then. When?”

“Tonight” he said.


“Jules, relax” he laughed.

“This is no laughing matter Ryan” I said, “I mean…”


“We never talked about…last night”

He just cleared his throat and his face fell, “What about? Was it bad?”

“Not at all!” I reassured him, “I just wasn’t sure what you thought”

“I was shocked” he said, “Because you have no idea how long I’ve wanted that…”

I was a bit surprised at his words, “Really?”

He just nodded.


“What’s this mean?”

“I don’t know Ryan…what do you want it to mean?” I was still unsure about the whole thing. I know we just slept together, but Carey, I can’t say I am completely over the guy…

“If you want to take this slow Julie, I have no problem doing that. I know getting over him is not exactly an overnight thing”

“Thank you” I sighed, “But I am excited to meet the guys” I just smiled and he smiled back. I was really excited but nervous at the same time. I know it’s not like a huge deal, but I was the same way when I met the Canadiens, but then again…I also worked for them.

“So, are we just going out?”

“Yes” he said, “just out for drinks, and whatever else”

“Okay, I’m good with that” I replied. I think he could tell I was still nervous. He just kissed my forehead and wrapped his arms around me.

“It will be fine Jules, I promise. These are some of the most laid back guys you will meet”

I just sighed, “Okay”


Ryan didn’t have a game tonight, which was fine, but I was still freaking out over this whole meeting the guys thing. I just hope everything goes okay.

I changed into a pair of fitted jeans, a floral blouse and a light leather jacket. I just slipped on black flats and left my hair in waves. I kept my makeup light, just some foundation, blush and mascara.

“You’ll be fine” he said brushing some hair out of my face, my very nervous face.

“I know, but I’m really paranoid”

“I didn’t notice” he replied sarcastically.

I just playfully slapped him on the arm and scoffed, “is that sarcasm I hear?” I laughed.

“Maybe a little” he smirked, “we should go though”

We just walked to the small club that was just a few blocks away. Ryan kept his hands in his pockets the whole way. He looked more nervous than I did, but he knew how to hide it well.

The moment we stepped in the music bounced off the walls and the place was fairly crowded. He led me to the bar where we saw a group of guys, which I guessed was the team. I just watched as Ryan greeted them.

“So guys, this is Julie”

“Hello Julie” one said with a smirk and wink. I think it was Derek Roy. He put out his hand and I just gently shook it.

“Julie, you met Derek” Ryan said, “This is Tyler, Drew and Pat”

They all just nodded in my direction as Ryan introduced them. This was going well so far. They did seem like really cool guys.

“Ryan talks a lot about you” Tyler said.

I just felt my face get red as I looked down. I had to look all the way up to respond to him, damn he was tall.

“Oh…really? Good things I hope” I replied as he sat down.

“Of course” he smiled, “Just between you and me, I noticed he’s been in a much better mood and had a better attitude since you came along”

I just smiled, “Well I suppose that’s a good thing”

“You’re good for him” he said putting a hand on my shoulder, “and I can tell you, he’s a great guy”

“Oh…I know” I smiled looking in his direction.

He just smirked, “Well Julie, I’m going to get myself a drink, you want anything?”

“I’m fine” I said, “Thanks though”

He stood up, leaving me sitting alone in a booth as I watched Ryan talk with some of the team. He didn’t realize I was watching him, but I liked watching him, if that doesn’t sound creepy.

I suddenly turned my head when I caught a familiar face in the corner of my eye. It couldn’t be…Carey?


I quickly stood up and grabbed Ryan’s arm, “He’s here”



“Did he say anything?”

“No” I replied, “He may have seen me though…”

I turned my head and made immediate eye contact with him and my heart skipped a beat. I turned my attention back to Ryan, “Anna’s here too…with him…”

“Kiss me” he said.


“He needs to know what he gave up” he said.

I just smirked and did as he said, kissing him with everything in me. The moment our lips touched, I forgot Carey was even there, until I felt an arm grab me and pull me away from Ryan. He swiftly turned me around and stared at me.

“What?” I snapped.

“Ryan, are you kidding me!?” I heard Anna say as she dragged him away, “You’re being immature”

“Carey, don’t start with me”

“Why did you leave?”

“Because I can’t be near you anymore” I replied, “It was hard enough living in that apartment without you”

“I’m sorry”

“I’ve heard that enough” I huffed, “Stop apologizing, because I don’t believe for one second”


“You’re here with her now!” I replied, “How can I believe you when you’re still with her? You obviously don’t care about me anymore”

“She dragged me down here to talk, that’s it Julie. I don’t want her…I want you”

I crossed my arms over my chest and I felt my eyes start to water. I just turned my head away, avoiding his gaze. He just placed his hand under my chin and turned my head back towards him, “if this is making you upset, why can’t we just try this again?”

“Because…I can never trust you again. Love is just not enough anymore Carey…”

“So you do…”

“Don’t do that. You know I still do, Ryan knows I still do, I know I still do, but I will not cave in. I won’t let you hurt me again”

“I won’t hurt you again. I can’t hurt you again”

“How do you know she just won’t grab you one night, do what she did all over again, in my apartment, and then break my heart again?”

“I don’t love her”

“Carey….please…” I begged.

“I’m sorry…”

I just sighed and tried to walk away when he grabbed my arm, pulled me back and kissed me.

*Ryan’s POV*

“Since when?” she asked.

“It’s none of your fucking business” I snapped.

“It is my business who ends up around my daughter”

“Don’t do that! Don’t suddenly make this about her when you know it’s all about you. It always has been and always will be”

“I know you don’t want her”

“I do” I said.

She just looked at me with those eyes that I fell in love with years ago. She moved in closer and traced her finger down my chest, kissing my neck. I pushed her off of me and walked away from her.

I went back to where Julie was and saw her lip locked to Carey. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say or do at this point. After last night, I refuse to believe she still wanted him.

I saw her pull back and see me. She pushed away from Carey and came over to me.


“What was that?”

“He kissed me…”

“Was it really that hard to push him away?”

“I’m sorry…”

I just sighed, “It’s ok, it just caught me off guard”

Carey came behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. She just turned to look at him.

“Please Julie…”

“Carey, stop doing this to me. I said no, and I meant it, there is no more us, you’ll find someone that can make you really happy, it’s not me…”

She just grabbed my hand, and pulle me towards the door, when we ran into Anna. I just stopped in my tracks as she pulled our hands apart.

“How‘s the neck?” she asked.

“How’s the ribs?” Julie replied, “Oh and the eye, oh and the other eye?”

She ignored her comment, “I want him back”

“So I don’t have a say in this?” I said.

She just hesitated when Julie put in her two cents, “He doesn’t want you anymore Anna, get over it, but you can gladly have Carey, because he’s probably going to be lonely tonight” she said the last part with a bit of attitude that even surprised me.

“This doesn’t involve you Julie”

“Just quit while you’re ahead Anna, find someone else, there’s plenty of other Sabres around here you know”

She just huffed, “Fine”

She just walked past her with me pretty close behind. The moment we stepped outside, I just grabbed her, pushed her against the wall and kissed her. She just smiled against my lips as I pulled back.

“You liked that?” she smirked.

“You’re pretty hot when you’re mad” I laughed.

“Well thanks” she smiled.



Sunday, April 4, 2010

thirteen: here’s the day you hoped would never come.

song: speeding cars by imogen heap.

*Ryan’s POV*

I woke up bright and early the day after I’d called Julie at 3am. I sighed and looked at the clock, figuring I could shower and then go to the gym. Remy was still at her grandparents house, so I had nothing better to do.

Standing there, letting the water hit me, I closed my eyes and thought of Julie. I hoped she was ok in Montreal. I hoped Carey hadn’t hurt her anymore. The last thing I wanted was to have to run to her rescue- which, regardless, I would do without a second thought.

The phone was ringing as I pulled on my Sabres shirt, “Hello?”

“Ryan!” it was my mother, “I’ve been trying to reach you for almost two hours, dear!”

“Oh,” I glanced at the clock, seeing it was 11 am, “Sorry, mum, we had an early practice. How is Remy doing?”

“She’s wonderful, as always,” Mom said with a laugh, “She’s been saying something strange, though...”

I swallowed, “Really?”

“Something about ‘Mommy going on a long vacation’...”

I sighed, “I didn’t want to tell you...”

“Is this a conversation I want to have over the phone? Or is it something I should have your father here for?”

“Mum, I really need your support right now,” I said slowly, “We’re close to playoffs...the first time in years.”

“I know, sweetie, but you’re worrying me, and so is Remy,” Mom told me, “Please, Ryan. You know I love you.”

Glad to know someone still did, “’s a bit of a long story...”

So I told her. Everything. How Anna had cheated from the start and I swiftly hid it from Remy. How she went after Price and broke Julie’s heart. And how I had safely hid it from everyone for the sake of a marriage that would be built on lies. Mostly for the sake of Remy.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything,” I said quickly, “I just felt so guilty, like maybe I deserved it...”

“Ryan, don’t you even start,” Mom said sternly, “You did this all the time in your junior years, and I still hark upon you for it now- don’t blame yourself for this. What Anna has done has nothing to do with you. Unless, of course, you’ve done something of less caliber?”

“I’ve remained loyal. I can’t cheat. I just can’t.”

“Are you two still speaking?”

“Hardly,” I said, “Honestly, I want this second baby as bad as I wanted the first. Remy’s my life now, Mom. Really.”

“Ok,” she said after a long sigh, “What’s important right now is that your daughter is stable. We don’t want to be throwing her around from house-to-house. Poor thing is already so confused.”

“I know,” I said, rubbing my brow, “She’s my number one concern...”

I talked with my mother for about fifteen more minutes and we figured out that since spring break was coming up, Remy could spend it with them in Michigan. That would give me a full week to work things out with Anna...and possibly Julie. I wasn’t going to mention that I had a slight crush, if you could call it that, on the other party involved.

How could I not, really? Jules was sweet and concerned, not self-centered and cold like Anna. My mind kept going back to the warm feeling of her hands as she lulled me to sleep that night I fell sick. She’d healed me in more ways than one.

I decided I wanted to head to the gym for a couple of hours. Working out often cleared my head. A few ab crunches were always a great way to start, and perhaps afterwards I could go for a swim. I’d taken up swimming during my ankle injury in 2009 to keep my heart rate up, and I loved it. So after two hours, I returned home.

To my surprise, Julie was sitting on the front porch with a duffel bag. She perked up the second I pulled in. Parking, I practically jumped out of my car and ran over to see her.

I felt her put her arms around my neck. It felt good to feel her again. I hugged her tightly.

“What’re you doing here?” I asked, bringing her in the house. She tossed her bag.

“Ryan, I’m really sorry, but...a few things happened and I have nowhere else to go, and I wanted to call but I wasn’t sure if you’d be up around 2 am and I couldn’t because I was afraid you’d-”

“Julie,” I put a finger on her lips, “It’s cool. You’re welcome here anytime.”

She blushed, “Oh, ok...”

I felt her put a hand on my arm, “Ryan...I need to talk to you.”

My eyes widened, “About?”

Jules sighed, “It’s a bit of a long story actually.”

I gestured to the living room. We sat facing each other on the sofa. Julie looked sad and distant, so I reached for her hand. She squeezed it gently, and told me everything- the club, Carey, Josh Gorges...and Anna no longer being pregnant.

“Ryan, I’m really sorry about all this,” she said quietly, “I really wish I could fix things...”

“It’s ok,” I said, “Thank you for telling me.”

Julie reached out and stroked the side of my face where Anna had hit me, “I know how much you wanted another baby.”

I couldn’t look at her, “I don’t want it with her anymore...I want to consider it a good thing...”

Julie’s face came close to mine, our foreheads touching. I closed my eyes and took a breath. My body started to tremble.

“Ry...” she whispered, our lips touching, “You don’t deserve to hurt like this.”

I said nothing as she kissed me gently. The kiss started to get more passionate. Jules grabbed me by the wrists and pinned me down to the sofa, kissing me harder. I felt like my entire body was on fire.

We must’ve made out like teenagers for a good ten minutes or so. As we slowly broke away, Julie looked down at me and smiled. I smiled back, letting her lie down on top of me, holding her close.

“Ryan...” she said breathily.


“Don’t let go of me.”

I held her tightly, “I won’t.”

Suddenly, I felt Julie’s hands undoing my belt buckle. I reached down and grabbed her, alarmed. She looked at me with a scared face.

“No,” I told her, “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

Jules looked a bit disappointed, “Oh...sorry. I shouldn’t...”

“It’s ok,” I assured her, trying to change the subject, “You want me to make us something for dinner?”

She broke into a smile, “If I can help!”

Together we had a blast in the kitchen. Julie was really good at cooking, better than I was. I offered an old bottle of wine that Anna and I had received from Derek Roy on our three-year-anniversary, something that wasn’t worth celebrating. After dinner we washed dishes together and cleaned up the kitchen. I’d never done this with Anna, or had such a good time while doing so.

It still wasn’t quite time for bed, so Julie pulled her favourite movie, You’ve Got Mail, out of her bag and popped it in. I’d seen it a million times, so had she; but it never got old. We passed the time watching that.

I readied the guest bedroom for her. Julie came walking out of the bathroom wearing the cutest pair of shorts and top- her pajamas. I felt a bit awkward wishing her goodnight, but Julie gave me one of her best smiles and I melted.

“You’re so sweet,” she said, hugging me, “Thank you, Ryan.”

I mumbled something along the lines of ‘you’re welcome,’ as I went into my own room, crawled into bed and fell asleep.

A couple hours later I woke up after hearing a noise. I saw out of the corner of my eye that my door was ajar. Before I could react, I opened my eyes fully.

Julie was on top of me. Naked.

And she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

“Make love to me, Ryan,” she whispered, pulling me into a soft kiss.

“Julie...” I ran my hands up and down her soft arms, making her shiver.


I fell under her spell as she started to kiss me.

Friday, April 2, 2010

twelve: i know you love me so, but it's time to let me go

Song: Time to Let Me Go, Gloriana

I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my phone. Nobody ever calls me, especially not at 230am. I adjusted my eyes to the dark and fished around my bed for my phone. Ryan. Why was Ryan calling me so late?

“Hello?” I groaned.


“Hey Ryan”

“I’m really sorry I’m calling so late” he said. He didn’t sound like himself.

“It’s fine” I yawned, “What’s up?”

“I’m--I’m probably being stupid when I’m calling this drunk but--”

“Wait you’re drunk? Why are you drunk? Where is Remy?” I asked frantically.

“She’s with her grandparents” he said. I just breathed a sigh of relief, “I went out with the guys”

“Don’t you think you should just get some sleep Ryan?” I told him.

“I can’t” he said, “I need to tell you something, I didn’t want to before, because…I din’t want you to think I was weak”

“Ryan, why don’t you just call me in the morning, when you’re sober?”

“Anna didn’t cheat on me with just Carey” he replied ignoring my request completely, “This has happened before”

“Ryan, I wouldn’t put it past her, it’s okay”

“The first time was with one of my teammates. During the first year we were together, when she was pregnant with Remy, I caught her with Danny Briere, who was a Sabre at the time…”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I replied, “That’s just not right”

“She apologized” he simply said, “I wanted to be a good parent, so…oh and when Remy was almost 2, I caught her again”

“With who?” I was starting to get furious now.

“Vinny Lecavalier, when she came on the road with me…”

“Dude. She’s a whore. He’s got a girlfriend!” I replied.

“It was a one time thing” he sighed.

“I’m sorry Ryan” I said sweetly, “You don’t deserve that”

“Oh and the third time, was a few months ago, with one of our junior guys” he said, “I just felt like when she got with Carey that it wasn’t unusual, I was so mad that it had to be your boyfriend, of all people”

“Well I guess it’s unlucky on my part” I replied with a shrug, “but it proved to me that he obviously is not the one. Even if we were together for 4 years”

“I want to castrate him for what he made you want to do” he replied with anger in his voice.

“What are you talking about?” I knew what he was talking about, I just refused to go back there.

“Jules if you’d drowned…I would have died too…”

“That’s a tad dramatic Ryan, I mean, I’m really sorry I put you through that…”

“I’m sorry I just…” he hesitated, “Something happened tonight Julie”

“What?” I asked nervously.

“I saw Anna with another guy…that wasn’t Price…” he said it slowly. As if to make sure I heard him correctly. I’m surprised he was this articulate when he was drunk.

“But…I thought she was here…in Montreal” I replied, “Are you sure you weren’t seeing things?”

“No, because she said something to me” he sighed, “this was before I was drunk, fucking Stafford, making me do Jagerbombs…Ugh…anyways…”

“What did she say Ryan?” I was beginning to get impatient.

“Does the name Gorges mean anything to you? I swear I’ve heard it before. She said she found someone even better than Price, and she called him Gorges. Which meant gorgeous in French or something…?”

I just laughed as his lack of knowledge before I replied, “He’s Price’s teammate. Shit…she’s fucking his teammate. I can’t let her get to that team. She’ll run through all of them if she can…”

“Jules, I donno what to do”

“I’ll fly down there and strangle her myself if I have to”

“Murder is not an option Julie!” he replied.

“Yes, I know, but in her case…anything is legal”

“I’m sorry” he sighed, “But I just had to call you, I know the sober me wouldn’t be able to do it”

“It’s fine” I replied with a yawn, “I have to talk to him though. I may not want to care about him, but I still do. I won’t let her hurt him”

“Yah, she seems to be good at that…”

“I need some sleep Ryan, it’s almost 3am. I have some people I need to talk to tomorrow…or rather, later today”

“Ok, I guess I’ll go then. Don’t worry I’m home…I just hate how she did that after I told her…”

“Well she makes her own choices” I replied, “not a whole lot we can do. I’ll talk to you later Ryan. Go to bed please”

“I’m a scratch--” and it sounded like he passed out. I just sighed and hung up my phone. It wasn’t long before I was out cold myself.


I woke up fairly early. I was absolutely exhausted but I knew I was never going to get back to sleep now. I had a long day ahead of me. I needed to talk to Price, he had to know about Anna.

I grabbed my phone and hoped to catch Price before he headed to practice. I heard the rings one, two, three, “Hello?”



“Yes, we have to talk, it’s important”

“Of course” he said, “I’ll be there in five minutes”

“Don’t you have practice?”

“It’s an optional skate, and it’s not for another hour, we don’t play tonight, I’ll be right there”

Before I could argue with him he hung up and I just sighed. I had to admit I was a tad nervous that I was about to face him. I didn’t need a repeat of last time, I couldn’t let myself fall into his little trap again. It’s just those damn eyes…

“Julie!?” I heard frantic knocking and I slowly walked to the door and opened it.

“So what’s up?” he asked. What, so are we best friends now?

“It’s about Anna…”

“She went back to Buffalo”

“I know” I replied, “Um, this is really hard for me to say”


“She’s been with other guys while she was with Ryan. Briere, Lecavelier, even one of the junior players a few months ago. She’s fucking Gorges now…”

His face lost all color at this point. The look in his eyes almost scared me. I did all I could think of, I just put my hand on his cheek, “Carey…”. He finally looked down at me and sighed.

“I’m sorry” he said.

“I know” I replied, “I just thought I should tell you, you need to forget about her, she’s not worth it, she’ll hurt you”

“Since when do you care about if I get hurt or not”

“I’m pissed off at what you did, I’m not a cold hearted bitch Carey”

“You still care…”

“Price, we were together for 4 years. Feelings like that don’t go away overnight ok?” I sighed turning away from him and going towards the kitchen, “you should get going”

I felt his hands grab the hem of my shirt and pull me back, they slid around my waist and his lips gently brushed against the back of my neck, making me shiver.

“You remember when I used to make love to you?” he whispered into my ear as his hands wandered under my shirt onto my stomach. His hands were still cold, making me shiver again. He knew I gave in way to easily.

“I do” I said.

“I can do that right now” he whispered again gently brushing his lips against my ear. I have to tell you, I almost lost my composure right then and there. Ryan’s face came to my mind immediately and I grabbed his hands and pulled them off of me.

“You’re not doing that to me again. You’re taking advantage of my vulnerability Carey”

“I’m sorry…”

“You need to go, and if you see Gorges, tell him what I told you. Just…tell him she’s not who she says she is. Tell him to steer clear of her, as you should”


He didn’t budge. He just stood there, staring at me, “Price. Get out, please!” I was ready to cry at this point.

He didn’t reply, he just left the apartment and I felt a few stray tears fall. This was beginning to get way too hard to handle, I was ready to just give in to him and take him back, but I knew that was a weak move. I couldn’t do that to myself.

I decided to go out that night. I needed some time to myself, I didn’t care that I had no one to go with, the drinks and the loud music could distract me from all of this.

I changed into a pair of dark jeans a black and white empire waist top and I slipped on my black chucks. I grabbed my clutch and left the apartment, making my way to a small club just around the corner.

I sat at the bar and got myself a beer. He set the bottle and a glass in front of me and I just took the bottle and turned to face the dance floor. This was what I needed. A few harmless flirts and some drinks.

I was talking to a random guy, cute, when I heard a familiar voice. This couldn’t be happening to me, not tonight. I turned around and saw her face. Seriously, was she to be everywhere that Ryan and I ended up going.

She was ordering something at the bar when she turned to see my face. A sly smirk appeared and she made her way over.

“I thought you were pregnant” I snapped.


“I’m sorry” I said sarcastically.

“I’m sure you are” she said moving closer to my face. I stood up and pushed her away from me, “You get out of my face you whore”

“I’m the whore?”

“Briere, Vinny and some poor junior kid, oh and then Price and Gorges, honestly. I’m glad I told them to steer clear of you”

“That’s why Josh won’t return my calls?” she asked with a glare.

“I guess so” I said smiling proudly.

She lifted her hand and slapped me across the face. It really didn’t bother me, I’ve felt worse before. A crowd started to gather when I shoved her to try to walk away, but she wouldn’t let me.

“I’m not done with you” she said.

“You’re not done with me?” I asked half laughing, “How are you not tired travelling back and forth from Montreal to Buffalo fucking any guy that takes an interest in you?”

She just shook her head and looked the other way.

“You said you miscarried right?” I asked her.

Before she could answer I took my right hand and punched her in the stomach. I heard some cheers from the people surrounding us.

“Remy deserves a mother that is there for her, and not one that’s not out fucking everything in sight” I said trying to get away from her again.

She grabbed my arm and swung me around bitch slapping me again, “Is that all you know how to do Anna? Seriously?”

“You do not talk about my daughter like that”

“Now you act like you care” I huffed. At that comment she jumped me, now it was a full on cat fight. Hair pulling, I even got a couple punches in there, she scratched my neck, but that’s about all she got.

I felt two strong arms grab me and pull me away from her. I was out of breath and I pulled away from whoever was holding on to me. I looked behind me, it was Price.

“Of course” I huffed.

“You ok?”

“I’m perfectly fine” I said, “I’ve been in worse fights then this in Junior High” I said it loud enough for her to hear and she tried to jump me again, but some guy grabbed her arm and pulled her away from me.

“You sure you’re ok?” he asked me again.

“Price, I told you, I’m absolutely fine, ok? Stop pretending like you care about me. Get on with your life, please. We’re done, there is nothing else for us. I’m sorry, but I need to go, okay? Bye”

This all needs to end. I didn’t know how I was supposed to get away from all of this. She was everywhere I went, and so was he. Maybe it was time to leave Montreal, for good.

eleven: maybe I'll need you, maybe I won't.

song: pieces by alison iraheta

*Julie's POV*

It was hard to leave Ryan, still stick, back in Buffalo, but I had to get this done and over with. Carey wanted to talk, I said yes, and I was going to have to deal with it. The anger and hurt still burned me, but cold nostalgia was chilling me to the bone. The entire drive I alternated between the awful site of catching him with Anna and the bittersweet memories of us together.

Finally arriving at my apartment building, I winced upon seeing Anna's car parked outside. So she was here, too. Great.

I walked into my apartment and saw him standing there, wearing that Canadiens hoody I used to wear around the house when he was away. It was like he knew. The look in his eyes caught me surprise; he looked almost, well, sorry. It was time to put up my guard. No tears in front of him.

"Hey..." he said slowly.

I crossed my arms, "Hi."

"I'll make this quick, I promise," Carey said, "Julie, I'm sorry."

I said nothing.

"For everything. I wasn't thinking. I didn't realize what I was doing. I guess I that I just got caught up in the moment."

Seriously? THIS was what he wanted to say to me?

"You think that excuses you? It was like I didn't even exist Carey, you almost broke me completely." I told him sternly.

He sighed, "I know, and I wish I could take it back. Listen, Julie, when I came here to pack things up, I realized that I'm not over you...I can't go on without you..." He swallowed. "My save % has dropped completely."

I rolled my eyes, "Ha, you're here because of you're game. It's always about how you play." I was tired of being his muse.

Before I could reply, my bedroom door opened and out walked the last person I wanted to see.

"You almost done, Car- oh. Hi Julie."

I gave Carey the nastiest glare I could muster. He gave Anna a nod, "She's helping me pack."

I turned to her, "Get out. I don't want you in my apartment." I snarled. "I had to burn my sheets because of her!"

Anna gave me a fake smile, "Because I made him do what you never could, that's why. But fine. I'll be in the hall, Pricey."

Now a ridiculous nickname? I sighed, "Pricey? Seriously..."

"It's a fun name to scream." Anna called on her way out. God she was disgusting.

Carey started to explain that Anna was there to help him, but I cut him off, "I think it's time for you to leave."

His eyes begged me, "Jules, please..."

I put my hands on my hips, "Carey. I can't just forget what you did. I can't pretend nothing happened. I can't just take you back and pretend everything is ok, when it's not." I snuck at glance at Anna. "When it CLEARLY is not."

Carey walked towards me so that we were barely inches apart, "Before I leave..."

He took my face and kissed me. My eyes shut instantly and I felt myself being hypnotized like I used to be, back when we were still in love. But after a few seconds, my head immediately thought of Ryan. I thought of how hurt he was after what Anna had done to him, and the sweetness he gave to me. But most of all I thought of the tenderness of his kiss and how gentle he was with me, as though he wanted me to know I was something special.

I broke away and shook my head, "Fuck."

Carey looked at me, "You still feel it..."

I looked at him, then Anna, then back at him again, "Maybe. But not after what you've done to me."

"Carey, we're going to be late!" Anna perked up.

"You better go," I pointed to the door, "Wouldn't want to keep your precious girlfriend waiting."

"She's not my girlfriend..." Carey muttered.

"Oh fuck buddy? Is that what they call it?" I smirked.

"Come to think of it, Julie, maybe you should hook up with Ryan, considering you're both so horrible in life and in bed, you'd be perfect for each other," Anna said with a laugh, "God, what WAS I thinking? Let's go, Carey."

I didn't watch them as they walked away. All I had to do was shut the door and turn. I stood there for a moment, evaluating what had just happened, thinking about the things Carey had said. It was all about him, it always was. Of course, when he kissed me, I felt that electric spark come back- the same spark I had to force myself to block out. I felt sad, thinking of how things used to be. I felt weak and hopeless. I had to call someone.

Ryan picked up immediately, as though he'd been waiting, "Hey!"

I sunk down the the floor, "Hi..."

Ryan sensed I was upset, "Jules, is everything ok?"

I had just told Ryan that I was going to speak with Carey one last time. He didn't know what about, and he certainly didn't know (nor did I) that Anna would be with him. I felt myself falling to pieces.

"He kissed me."

Things grew quiet on the other line for a moment.


My cheeks burned, "Ryan...the feelings...they won't go away..."

"Well I wouldn't expect them to. You've been with the guy for how long?" his voice was calm and understanding, "I just wish I could do something about Anna...she's ruining everything for you two."

I still couldn't believe how much he cared about me and not about Anna.

"Anna I can handle," I said simply, "It's don't get it. I want them to go away. I can't love someone like that."

"Carey's the one you're having problems with."

"Yes. Everything came back when he kissed me. He told me he's not over me, what do I do with that? I don't want him." I glanced at my now empty bedroom. "Not anymore."

Ryan said something that took me by surprise, "Well he hurt you. Like, ripped you open hurt you. I swear I could kill him for what he did...not because it was with Anna but because of how he broke your heart."

I sat there in awe, "Wow...thanks..."

Perhaps I was imagining things, but Ryan started to sound a bit nervous, "I care about you, Julie. I really do. If you ever need anything, I'm right here."

I smiled, "Thank you Ryan. That means alot."

"I guess I owe you for the past few days...I don't know how to say thank you for taking care of me when I was sick. I was a real mess."

I shrugged, "Don't worry about it. I used to do it for Carey all the time." My voice cracked and Ryan sensed it.

"It's ok to hurt. It's normal."

I swallowed my tears for the hundredth time, "Yeah, I know..."

"And crying doesn't make you weak."

"I know, I just hate crying cause it ruins my make-up." I said with a half-laugh.

Ryan's voice shook a bit, "Well  if you ask me, you don't need make up. You're already gorgeous."

We were both quiet for a moment. I could feel myself blushing. Or was I just trying not to cry again?

"Gorgeous is a heavy word. But thank you."

"Well, you are. Always have been." The nervousness in his voice was undeniable.

I hugged my knees with my free arm, "If I didn't know any better I'd think you were...."

"Oh, hold on a sec!" Ryan said suddenly, putting down the phone. Distantly, I heard him beginning to talk to his daughter.

"Yes, I know sweetie...but we have her cell phone number, and she'll call every night just before bedtime. I know, honey...I know."

He picked up the phone again, "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"'s not important, you should go, Remy needs you."

"Oh, ok," Ryan replied, "All or text if you need anything. I'm here for you, Julie."

"Thanks Ryan." I said with a genuine smile. He really was sweet.

"By the way, I can see why Carey would want to kiss you. You're an amazing kisser. Bye."

Before I could say anything he'd hung up. I sat there, leaning against the door, listening to the dial tone. Finally I clicked it off and sighed. That was not what I was expecting. Ryan Miller was not what I was expecting him to be at all.

At this point I was so tired that all I wanted to do was sleep. Throwing a blanket on the couch, I collapsed, with my phone in hand. I had to have it in case he called.

And I wasn't talking about Carey.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

ten: i was a fool to hurt you

Song: Dying to Live Again, Hedley

*Carey’s POV*

I wasn’t making the saves, I was letting in softies, nothing was going right for me right now.

“You alright?” Cammalleri asked me as we headed to the dressing room after practice, “You’re not playing like you”

“I’m fine” I said.

“Well ever since you broke it off with Julie, you just seem…different”

I just sighed, the mention of her name even got to me. I was suddenly starting to feel guilty about what I did. I didn’t care what I did to Ryan, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I really did hurt her and how selfish I was being.

“I agree with Cammy” I heard Gorges say, “Something’s different”

I heard Martin come in behind us and tap me on the shoulder, “We’re going with Jaro against the Devils” he said.

“Alright” I replied. I completely understood, I knew I wouldn’t play a good game against a team like that. Jaro would do a better job.

I changed back into my street clothes and headed back towards the apartment. Julie had went to Buffalo with Ryan, she didn’t want to be here when I was cleaning my stuff out. I was moving into a place with Gorges, until I was able to find a place of my own. He was nice enough to offer the guest bedroom.

I walked into the apartment and I have to admit, my heart broke. She was all over the apartment. Pictures, her scent was still lingering, even the memories all came back.

“I really do hate you” she said crossing her arms. She was really mad. So was I.

“Don’t start bitching again” I sighed.

“I’m not bitching! You’re just being a dick” she huffed.

“I’m always being a dick aren’t I?”


“What did I do? All I did was forget our two years”

“How do you forget we’ve been together for two years Carey?!”

“I play hockey, I’m on the road, I lose track of what day it is!” I replied, “How can you blame me?” She was overreacting.

I moved closer to her and all she did was turn her head to avoid looking at me. I put my hands on her shoulders and just rubbed her arms. She just sighed and looked at me.

“I’m sorry” I said.

“You know it’s hard to stay mad at you” she said, “I hate that”

I just chuckled, “Well since we still have some of this night left, what do you say we make use of it?” I just heard her giggle a little before I placed my lips onto hers. It was as if nothing else in the world mattered but her.

The vibration of my phone interrupted my thoughts. I pulled it from my back pocket. It was Anna.

“I can’t wait to see you again ; )”

I just sighed and ignored the message. This wasn’t what I needed right now. I missed Julie and I was finally starting to realize that life without her, sucked. I don’t know what caused me to do this. I think it had more to do with my jealousy of Ryan than it did with Julie. I really screwed up this time. I didn’t know if I could even fix it.

I grabbed my phone and decided to call her. Maybe she’d answer, maybe she won’t, it didn’t hurt to try.

I heard three rings before someone answered.

“What do you want?” she asked.

“Jules, we need to talk”

“Don’t call me Jules, and I think we talked enough already”

“Please Julie. Just you and me, no Anna, no Ryan”

She just sighed, “When I get back to Montreal I’ll give you five minutes, that’s it. But I’m not promising anything”

“I’ll take it, Bye”

She didn’t say bye, she just hung up. I just let out a long sigh and set my phone on the bed. I didn’t think this was going to bother me this much, but it really did. I do still love her. I need to clean up this mess. I need a second chance.