six: my heart only breaks when it's beating

Song: It only hurts when I breathe, Shania Twain

I was going out shopping with Max’s girlfriend, Chantal. Real sweetheart. I was meeting her at her and Max’s place. Max was a good friend of mine, and Chantal was one of the only girlfriends of the team that were near my age. Or that were at least nice enough to go shopping with.

“Hey” I smiled as she opened the door.

“Julia, hey!” she smiled, “how are you?”

“I’m good” I said stepping inside the door, “Max around?”

“At the gym” she said.

“Oh yah, Carey said he was heading over there too” I replied looking through my purse. I fished through it trying to find my phone, “Damn”

“What’s wrong?” she said picking up her bag.

“Forgot my phone at home, do you mind if I stop home and grab it?”

“Sure thing” she smiled throwing her bag over her shoulder.

We walked and talked as we made our way to the apartment. I unlocked the door and saw my phone sitting on the kitchen counter. As I moved back towards the door I heard a banging. I slowly walked down the hall and heard the noise coming from the bedroom. I was slow to open the door but I peeked in and saw a sight that would be burned into my brain.

Anna. Carey. Fucking like there was no tomorrow. I could feel the tears in my eyes and my hand slapped over my mouth. I quietly shut the door and slowly went back down the stairs to meet Chantal.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?”

“Um, it’s ok. I don’t really want to talk about it. Do you think we could do this another time. Something just suddenly came up and I need to go”

“Ok” she replied with a bit of concern in her voice, “if you need anything just call me ok?”

“Ok, thanks” I sadly smiled. I grabbed my phone as I hurried towards anywhere but here. Somewhere far away from here. I dialled Ryan’s number, he was the only one I could think of.

“Ryan?” I said before he could say anything.

“Jules? You ok?”

“Can I see you please, there is something you need to know”

“Ok, just at the Best Western, room 345”

“Thank you”

I put my phone in my pocket and almost ran towards my destination. The tears were starting to flow and I did all I could to keep them from coming, keeping them from blurring my vision.

I made it to the hotel and took the elevator to the right floor. I was out of breath as I made it to his room and knocked on the door.

He opened the door and saw my tear streaked face and could hear my heavy breathing. On account I practically ran here.

“What’s going on?”

“I saw them” I said, “Anna. Carey, in bed, together, holy shit” I was barely breathing.

“Jules, breathe, are you sure?”

“Yes I’m fucking sure” I snapped, “fucking like neither of us even existed”

He just ran his fingers through his hair and started pacing. I sat against the wall with my knees up to my chest, letting out quiet sobs. I’ve never hurt so much in my life.

“Jules, did you just want to stay here for now?” he asked, “maybe take a shower? You can borrow some extra clothes”

“Ok” I nodded as he helped me up.

“I’ll be here…if you need anything”

“Thanks Ryan”

I stepped into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I decided to take a bath, it would feel a lot better physically. Even if my heart was shattering inside my chest. I stripped down and sat into the warm water. It really did feel perfect. I sat there for a while, and looked down at the water, it wasn’t clear anymore, considering the fact I’ve been in there for almost an hour.

My mind started to come up with reasons why Carey would do something like this to me. Was I not enough? Did he not love me anymore? Was he doing this to spite Ryan? And Anna. I can’t believe she’d do this to me, or Ryan. They have a little girl and another one on the way. I don’t understand how either of them did what they did. I looked down at the water again and got the sudden urge to just put my head under, and stop breathing. Maybe if my heart stopped beating it wouldn’t hurt this much.

If Carey didn’t want me, then who did? What was the point of being here if nobody wanted me? I sucked in a breath and slowly dipped my head under. I didn’t panic when it was harder and harder to breathe. Suddenly, darkness.

*Ryan’s POV*

She was in there for a long time. She must have taken a bath, and I didn’t blame her. I didn’t hear anything going on, not even any movement. I knocked on the door hoping for a response, nothing.

“Jules, I’m coming in for a minute” I didn’t even hear her object. I opened the door quickly and didn’t see her. I looked around and got closer to the bathtub to see her under the water, it didn’t even look like she was moving. I ignored the fact she had no clothes on, reached in and pulled her out.

“Julie” I said tapping her cheek gently to see if she would wake up. Nothing. I put my fingers to check her vitals. Barely a pulse. I frantically wrapped her in a towel and laid her down on the floor. I did CPR, mouth to mouth anything I could to wake her up. After 2 of the longest minutes of my life she coughed up some water and slowly opened her eyes.

“Thank God” I muttered.

“What happened?” she said hoarsely.

“Julie you almost drowned” I replied, “What happened?”

She just looked down at the towel wrapped around her, “I just figured that if he didn’t want me, then who did?” You could see the tears brimming in her eyes and suddenly tears were falling from her eyes like a waterfall, and then the sobs. I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry. I didn’t care that my shirt was soaked, or that she was half naked, her hurt was my only concern.

She finally stopped and pulled away from me. I just gently wiped the few stray tears from her eyes and sadly smiled, “you need some warm clothes”. She just nodded as I took her hand and helped her up.

I grabbed a pair of sweats, a t-shirt and a Sabres hoodie. She didn’t care what team was on it at this point. She pulled her hair up in a bun on top of her head and pulled back the covers of the bed.

I moved towards the other bed when she grabbed my arm, “can you sleep here? I can’t sleep alone, not tonight” I was caught off guard but I agreed. I pulled off my t-shirt and jeans and was just in boxer shorts. I pulled back the covers on the other side and laid down beside her. It was honestly a bit awkward, Julie was one of my best friends. I felt her hand reach behind her and grab my arm and wrap it around her waist.

“I don’t bite” she said as she reached for the lamp to turn it off.

“You know he loves you” I whispered.

“No he doesn’t” she replied, “you didn’t see what I saw. It was like I never even meant anything to him, like I didn’t even exist”

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s not your fault”

“Never try and kill yourself again. I don’t know what I’d do with myself” I said quietly.

“I promise…only if you stay here…”

“I’m not going anywhere” I replied kissing the top of her head. Before I knew it, she was sound asleep.